WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND WANTS ON VALENTINE'S by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

There are three days in the year whose aftermath could leave you either single or dead. Birthday, Valentine’s Day and Anniversary day (bear with ‘day’, it’s for dramatic purposes). To avoid stretching the extremes of the greater species, here is a list of gifts one can get their lady friend;

°Flowers
Valentine’s without flowers is Christmas without a Christmas tree. Obvious fact. Please do not give her five roses, not seven, not ten but twenty or thirty. She may not be starting a greenhouse you may argue but she will start cherishing you more. Flowers= Happy Woman, Happy Woman= Flowers.

°Make Up
This is for those who have dated for a month, barely remember each other’s surname, still lie that they are single, those who want to buy gifts just because and also friends. This is the ultimate gift for every girl out there. The only catch is to ensure the product is quality; MAC lipstick and not Signature lipstick. Suzie’s beauty not Charmax. Oriflame products not ponds.

°Spa treatment
It’s easy, it’s relaxing, it’s affordable and it’s every woman’s safe haven. Spa treatment is like ice Cream and nobody hates ice-cream.

°Lingerie
Married couples can get a hold of this one. Mainly because they have the maturity to select the proper one, the holistic knowledge of their partner’s insecurities and they can afford it. This is a risqué as you need to know the perfect fit. Too big might come across as you calling her corpulent and too small may be misinterpreted as her being fat. Beware.

°Phone/Electronic device
This is mostly employed by sugar daddies but can be a really nice gesture from a boyfriend. If your girlfriend is using a Nokia 3310, she shouldn’t be allowed to use any mobile network. However you can change this by buying her that new IPhone she has been eyeing and probably unaware of using. Electronic devices stretch over from body massagers, pedicure machine, microwave, and camera to even a treadmill. WARNING; the latter might lead to afterlife.

°Jewelry
This is a classic. The people’s ultimate option. However Kevin, Lloyd, Brian, Mike and Drew have also gotten their girlfriends jewelry. Mary, Cate and Ashley detest having the same type of gift. To make jewelry more special, you either make it more expensive or engrave her name on it. Kapish!

°Home-made gift
A good example is a collection of pictures and videos put together. This can be an album or a movie of some sort. Cards can also be a lottery win. HMGs are very intimate therefore kindly you do not apply if you have dated for two months.

°Getaway Trip
Everyone loves making new memories. Instead of taking her kwa Chela, take her by surprise for a getaway weekend. I promise, this can never go wrong. In the light of promises, ensure you are loaded. Money talks but to go on a trip, money converses even shouts at times.

°Shoes
Know thy woman. To get that Cinderella-perfectly fitting shoe, you need to mark the checklist. Her shoe size, her favorite shoe color (not just general favorite color), the type of shoes she likes (canvas, stilettos, knee-high, thigh high, crocs) and where she gets them. Women are very specific and programmed. Wrong shoe and she will curse you for life. Nothing pains a woman more than having a shoe in the closet that they cannot wear.

°Ring
Ensure that you met two years prior, ensure you have broken up twenty times, ensure that you have also gotten used to her snoring. The second best day to give her the ring after her birthday. Due note that I am not responsible for any misunderstandings resulting if given sooner.

A good wrapping paper and you have sealed the deal. Any more gift ideas? Add on the comment section and help a brethren out. Happy Valentine’s to you all.

AND THE SINGLES SHALL NOT BE IGNORED by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

“I don’t really care for Valentine’s day”

Vero said in a rather lit voice.

“Eric treats me like a queen 364 days straight, so one day doesn’t really alter anything”, she goes on.

Tina and I try to embark on another ship before this one turns into a titanic. Vero is a little bit slow when it comes to picking up cues, she rants and raves for hours about non issues; like a government proceeding. However, we still listen to her tales of this credited hero of romance. He was too good. Almost like Jesus good but no one can be that good at least not without relations with the divinities. Her eyes dazzled when she talked of him, she hid it from time to time pretending she had something in her eye but we knew. Her gestures were a quick sell out too.

She went on and on of every nitty gritty and left none to imagination. At some point the three of us felt like we had spent past Valentines’ with both her and Eric. Albeit, we couldn’t completely relate as me and Tina were single like a dollar bill. We finished Vero’s sentences, joined in giggles, took empty glances in the air and just bore it all. Girls literally can go on forever. I am not quite sure how long we endured this but I knew two minutes tops and cupid would’ve showed up.

‘This year he is taking me to Sarova Shaba’

Sarova Shaba sounds like an expensive place, like Kempinsky or Rolf’s Place. But unlike Kempinsky and Rolf’s Place, it’s in the outskirts of Nairoberry. The kind of place you would come across wild animals and palm trees. Large pools, wazungus, exotic food, sultry weather, bikini bottoms and off-road vehicles. How fun does that sound. The serenity is to die for as nature encompasses every frame in its surrounding.

‘So what are you guys planning for Valentine’s?’
 

Tina giggles. She wants to stay indoors and watch that movie; SPECTRE she has been putting off. Then later in the day go to a place called ‘falls’ here in the varsity. Afterwards gobble up sleeping pills and wake up on Monday. She didn’t even flinch when she was outlaying her grandeur. She always had a laidback feel in all her undertakings. Her life seemed so well put together and such a breeze.

DO YOU KNOW YOURSELF? by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

‘Who are you?’

‘Tell us a little bit about yourself’

‘What else interests you?’

Three questions that can make Jack and Jill never climb that hill again. Try answering the prior without taking a moment to pause. I said no pausing. Or rather just the first question using one word. It’s hard. It’s almost like you have never met yourself before. The stranger behind the mirror that issues instructions to you seven days a week.

Explaining why the earth is the third planet and not the fifth seems a tad easier. Or finishing Grand Theft Auto Vice City without cheats. Or taking a simple French leaf in every situation where such prompts are likely to erupt. The latter is practical but some may argue its borderline impossible. It’s closely like doting your last toe on the edge of a chair or banging it with a door.

So who are you? No you are not a student, not even a doctor and certainly not Robin Hood. We spend so much time away from ourselves either by flooding ourselves with work, distractions, and people that we even forget the temporary nature of these very things. Some are identified by job titles, others groups and some fellow human beings; mimi ni Doki, manzi wa Joni, mtoi wa Talai blah blah

There is no greater feeling of ultimate accomplishment than that of knowing oneself. Its pure bliss and glitters as the toppings. The next time you are asked similar questions, you won’t even break a sweat. Let us focus a little less on whether North West will wear pink tomorrow and start worrying if we even like pink. Know Thy Self.