8 THINGS THAT SHOULD NEVER BE DONE IN PUBLIC

There is annoying, there is boring and there is just plain disgusting. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

1. Picking your nose
Riding in a matatu will get you a certain level of exposure that could only be sent by the devil. A woman barely in her thirties carries a toddler while she makes her way through to an empty seat. Next to her, a fine ass gentleman (pardon my language), the ones with a beard game on a hunnid, a barber born with scissors in his hands, a suit so immaculate it starts looking like a resurrection. The Chris Brown official guy decides he has something up his sleeve, oops! I mean nose. (Diaz say no more). I no longer thirst over anyone in a matatu, a restaurant even a poster. Just to make you vomit, he smeared the boogie on the back of the chair in front of him. I also started wearing gloves just in case it’s dried up and I can’t spot it with the naked eye.

2. Starring at butts
Big storages have a way of attracting attention and keeping it. That’s why nobody stares at a Vitz when a Jeep passes by. It’s a habit am guilty of and I own it, but who the heck is judging (hehe). It can’t be a sin if a fellow female does it. If am sitting with my boyfriend at a restaurant, I will point out a good asset if it passes by. It’s called common courtesy. Same way he shows me a light skin guy who looks like my type. This habit is only disrespectful if you start hissing at the lady, if your girlfriend disapproves and if you are in a clique of idiotic, shallow and broke-classless men. Look at it only if you can pay for it.

3. Toothpick menace
Are you Kansime or Mbugua from Faiba advert? We don’t need animations walking around. If you are from club 20(watu wa UON) please just relax yourself, people eating at KFC are not walking with logs of trees. Drink water it will wash off.

4. Scalp on fire
Ladiiieeeeessss! You do not need to stay with a weave for nine months, it’s not a pregnancy. You end up smacking your head every time and dust comes up like an episode in thaw. You start looking like you are the main manufacturer of Hostess flour, with disgusting white particles on your shoulder. This also goes for men with dreadlocks that are fifty shades of yellow. Roses are red, panga soap is ten bob, water is free so put away the weed. So honey, panga panga panga panga riaaah.

5. Chewing Gum Escapades
I go to a thousand whenever I step on gum. It’s a series of trying to remove it from the bottom using grass, pavement, stick and whichever object is in my reach. Sitting on it…….let’s not even go there. You nincompoop who was brought up so savagely and in a mentally distraught condition, may you face the wrath I wish upon you.

6. Farting
Some of you smelling like you are 72% hydrogen sulfide, everything you touch turns into eggs. Please life is hard enough, why do you go on making it harder to breathe?

7. Whistling
I was once told people who whistle have Syphilis. STD haipendi ujinga.

8. Belching
So you had a heavy breakfast and you are big on constipation and you can’t retain gas unless it’s going to your lungs, I have no words for you. Hold it down like Dj Khaled.

JUST JIK IT! DON'T by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

Black don’t crack and Vera Sidika looks like crack. Then you wonder why Jackie mdark gets sponsors with her fifty shades of blue skin tone. Skin lightening is the new black (pun intended) and every girl is snorting it. Carolite (skin lightening cream) has made more money than Vaseline fifteen times over in a period of one heartbeat.

Ladies are now walking around looking like they are all from the same father. True reincarnation of the nine Agikuyu daughters but on a much wider spectrum. Somewhere along the lines we were taught that dark skin tone reflects everything wrong with life. Associated with slavery, suffering and Larry Madowo. But they forgot to tell you that we beat colonialists, we don’t have tan problems, we look better when we hit fifty, Eric Gathegi is finer than the other white guy, our ugali taste better and our culture is so rich even Tupac understood Africa isn’t a country, it’s a continent. So why would you want to disassociate with all the triumphs our forefathers fought for and go for that Blacc Chyna look? Africa made Blacc Chyna remember that.

That boy you want impress cannot even spell skin lightening correctly and doesn’t own a bank account to the least. He is not cute enough to make you feel insecure about the color of your skin and isn’t rich enough to take you to the beach for a tan, so drink milk honey. You cannot match to the beat of every drummer instead let them pull up a trumpet. If that happens you will come out looking like Lil Kim’s twin.

If your face is dedicated to the darkness, embrace it and give every yellow person the Oreo vibe when they meet you. Be Black. Be Bold. Be Beautiful.

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CHURCHILL LIVE MIGHT BE THE NEXT BORING THING by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

The only thing I look forward to when Churchill Live starts airing is the end. Plus how much thicker Mr. Ndambuki has grown since the previous week. Sorry sir leave the thickness to the ladies. This show has gone from being the crème of comedy to the bottom of the food chain. Give me Kajairo, give me Red Corner. The idea of integrating new comedians and even employing a new show; Churchill Raw, has not born any laughs (ahem fruits).

After Teacher Wanjiku got married, this show literally became a joke. I give credit to David the Student, Fred Omondi, Professor Hamo and Sleepy David for their attempts at cracking lips. The only time I saw teeth was when all of them left the stage. Rib Krakaz who originally hailed from Naswa were the black messiahs but only for a period of time. The funny drills got Kenyans marching and that was about the only time we held our flag high or even held our flag.

Accents are borderline funny and annoying. This Kikuyu accent is flaring and every other comedian is in on it even the Indian comedian was not left behind. It’s distasteful and Kenyans need a new level of creativity. I am done with the Rs turned Ls, the CH turned SH, the ‘beca’(money) terminology thrown at everything. How can we forget ‘Ino ni momo’ incorporated in every entrance, joke and exit? All I can say to all these ukuyu-oriented comedians is ‘thii ukiumaga’.

As for the Indian comedian, you are joking and not in a way we find funny. Cultural diversity is the best Public Relation move if you ask anyone but not when this Indian tells a joke about potatoes and parents. To Kenyans potato is potato, nobody cares whether it’s Irish or Murang’aish. Maybe it’s just me but I don’t want to hear any fifteen year old level jokes, somebody bring Kevin Hart or Snoop Lion. Just because you say something amongst a group of friends and they laugh that one time doesn’t mean you are a comedian. Maybe your friends were just bored or high on sativa.

Daniel Ndambuki is the ultimate Kenyan comedian, if he had his own show I would go see him. Oh wait, he does. Churchill Live show ceased to be his when I got to see him only when his interviewing an eight year old about singing. Bring me Nikki Minaj or Rihanna now that would be a show. Though there is nothing wrong with an eight year old; dreams are valid baby girl and these days even sponsors.

I yearn for the days Churchill himself hosted the show and actually participated in every segment. It’s tiring to see new faces with new tonal intonations every single show. You stop bothering with their names; I just know the red head (black Michael Jackson), the brother to Eric Omondi, the female one and the thin one. Two days after, I format and forget there is even a show called Churchill.

If you don’t share my opinion then you must be from Churchill Live. You are a joke and not in a funny way.

RIDICULOUS WHY MEN NEVER ASK FOR DIRECTIONS by Daisy Waithererero Wambua

Every time I hear the word men the theme song of ‘Two and a Half Men’ just chirps out of my lips. It’s sad that most of what we are left with are halves instead of the twos.

Why can’t men ask for direction? Why can’t they pick up a manual? Why can’t they gobble up a self-help book? What is so darn hard about educating this specie?

If you have been with a male driver especially one who is romantically involved, you must have already considered using a PSV by now. Multiple times. They blame the roads, the signage, the seatbelt, the dog that died, their dead grandfather; everything apart from themselves. My impatience levels are usually flaring up time and time again so welcome I haven’t caused any road carnages. And mostly because I don’t have a car to get in to.

Seemingly these descendants of Adam prefer learning by doing instead of being told what to do. Who took us back to the Australopithecus period? Adam himself was told what to do, so much so he went an extra mile and listened to his wife. It didn’t end up so well for the rest of the world but that’s not the point. By a sure of eyelids, how many of you try to get directions from your ‘wives’? Ladies be the Eves to your Adams, there is no way you are going to Rongai via Karen when you can use Mbagathi Road. It is geographically incorrect.

Men want to appear strong and capable. The only capable I care about is capable of reaching home before The Trend starts on NTV. Larry Madowo and the three musketeers won’t wait for you to decide whether it’s left or right. And they won’t help if you follow number 23 up to Buru instead of going straight to Donholm. Be CAPABLE of following that Embassava.

There is something about winning that is addictive. They can’t wait for that victorious screeching U-turn and park in front of the front gate of Sarova Shaba Resort. It’s all about winning. Being right and feeling accomplished for making a two minute walk become a five hour drive. The journey doesn’t matter, it’s the destination was a quote invented by a man and now you know why. And if they believe in it so much then advice your romantic partner to try a camel.

Men are the weird Human Beings we were told its taboo to talk about. I leave it there.

WHAT YOUR HANDWRITING SAYS ABOUT YOUR PERSONALITY by Daisy Waithererero Wambua

The shape of your letters, the length and even the position is enough to determine the kind of personality you have. Graphologists can easily give you a full description of who you are just by mere observation of your scripts. Word of advice; stop signing up for everything.

Tall handwriting reflects ambition, observant, lack of consideration, objectivity and modesty. They are the type of people who you do not want to share a meal with but you would get into business with. My guess, go for someone like the Vice President; a lot of businesses, detoriating number of friendships but a bank account with commas up to Timbuktu.

People who tend to be analytical, reserved, thrift, obedient, zero self-confidence and misers usually have small handwriting. They barely have a lot of friends and if they do, it’s a small circle.

Those with broad and wide handwriting tend to be boastful, tolerant, imaginative, and spontaneous. They are also painfully full of pride, ego and lack concentration. This bunch is the best suited for the entertainment industry but employ one at your own risk. Just ask DNG, he is a rapper, a Disk Jockey, An MC and a promoter. One day he is here, the next day he is preaching Gospel.

Narrow handwriting comes with all its trades. Distrustful, socially passive, introvert, timid, seclusive and has self-control. They are good for the organization as long as they are not working in finance. This is a round up for all politicians.

Bold or heavy pressure are the ultimate personality trophy holders. They are creative, enthusiastic, possess endurance and emotional strength, strong libido. They also can’t easily forget the past, has grudges, they are sensuous and prefer bright and dark colors.

Light pressure handwriting comes with its own slots open. They are forgiving, tender, avoids friction, spiritual, physically weak, likes pastel colors and passively indifferent. This might have been Mother Teresa or anyone in Red cross.

Initials surpassing letters indicates emphasis on personal achievements and goals rather than dependency on others. Have you seen Vera Sidika’s signature? She can pay your rent with the first initial.

Poorly formed signature indicates certain level of stress or a major life crisis. All those from School of Engineering and Psychology students, what’s good?

Slashing through the signature shows that one is cancelling themselves out therefore need to hide and maintain secrecy.

Encircled signature shows fear and constant need to be under someone’s care all the time. The ones leading sponsor lives, we don’t discriminate.

Signatures ending with a dot show mistrust of others. Why do you need a full stop at the end of your signature and it’s not a sentence really buffers me.

Despite the individual characteristics, one needs to consider all qualities as a whole to give a widened view.

FIFTEEN THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

Have you ever felt like you are not living, you are just not dying? Well here are fifteen things that will definitely motivate you to wake up on that second Monday of the week;

1. Dance in the rain
Remember those with kinky hair, carry a blow-dry. Us blacks we have to stick together.

2. Be part of a television audience
Now that Oprah and Tyra Banks abandoned us, we need to move on to the next black woman; thank you Steve Harvey.

3. Participate in a flash mob
Who doesn’t want to dance in a clique at Tom Mboya Street? Straight Outa Tom Mboya.

4. Eat in an underwater restaurant
The idea of a fish swimming over my head while its brother is fresh off the fire is simply fascinating. Or witnessing the chain of predators trickling from shark to human to lobster to crabs and only one of them is gaining.

5. Experience zero gravity
I want to fly and still go for a walk afterwards.

6. Make a snow angel
Snow globes are my ultimate fetish, Phantom Rolls Royce unto the one who wins me one. Psyche. I can only wait to experience my own version of an angel.

7. Bathe in milk
I want milk in its truest form, not talking about Mursik, Chepngetich.

8. Add a lock to the Love Lock Bridge in Paris.
If money finds me before love, I sure will travel across the continent with a Tricycle padlock. May cost less than my plane ticket but mean more than the ‘bae’ I never had. Chuckles.

9. Explore a shipwreck
Something about water and those who belong to Pisces I can’t wrap my arms around.

10. Build an igloo
You Might get frost bites but at least you won’t have to pay rent. God bless ice.

11. Donate blood
It’s noble.

12. Go for a private nude photo-shoot
It will pay off when you are seventy and you haven’t seen your toes in a while.

13. Reach the top of the Eiffel tower
Then jump off.
Please don’t, not until you put the view on Snap Chat.

14. Ride an elephant
Don’t be scared at least they are just the largest mammals on land. Be scared because they are the largest mammals on land.

15. Live happily ever after
You owe yourself nothing more than all the fulfilment that life has to give. Whether it comes in large sums or small lump sums, happiness should be the ultimate goal.

The world is too large, it would be a tragic if you live like you are in a matchbox; go dance in the rain and fall outside Robpol.