CHURCHILL LIVE MIGHT BE THE NEXT BORING THING by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

The only thing I look forward to when Churchill Live starts airing is the end. Plus how much thicker Mr. Ndambuki has grown since the previous week. Sorry sir leave the thickness to the ladies. This show has gone from being the crème of comedy to the bottom of the food chain. Give me Kajairo, give me Red Corner. The idea of integrating new comedians and even employing a new show; Churchill Raw, has not born any laughs (ahem fruits).

After Teacher Wanjiku got married, this show literally became a joke. I give credit to David the Student, Fred Omondi, Professor Hamo and Sleepy David for their attempts at cracking lips. The only time I saw teeth was when all of them left the stage. Rib Krakaz who originally hailed from Naswa were the black messiahs but only for a period of time. The funny drills got Kenyans marching and that was about the only time we held our flag high or even held our flag.

Accents are borderline funny and annoying. This Kikuyu accent is flaring and every other comedian is in on it even the Indian comedian was not left behind. It’s distasteful and Kenyans need a new level of creativity. I am done with the Rs turned Ls, the CH turned SH, the ‘beca’(money) terminology thrown at everything. How can we forget ‘Ino ni momo’ incorporated in every entrance, joke and exit? All I can say to all these ukuyu-oriented comedians is ‘thii ukiumaga’.

As for the Indian comedian, you are joking and not in a way we find funny. Cultural diversity is the best Public Relation move if you ask anyone but not when this Indian tells a joke about potatoes and parents. To Kenyans potato is potato, nobody cares whether it’s Irish or Murang’aish. Maybe it’s just me but I don’t want to hear any fifteen year old level jokes, somebody bring Kevin Hart or Snoop Lion. Just because you say something amongst a group of friends and they laugh that one time doesn’t mean you are a comedian. Maybe your friends were just bored or high on sativa.

Daniel Ndambuki is the ultimate Kenyan comedian, if he had his own show I would go see him. Oh wait, he does. Churchill Live show ceased to be his when I got to see him only when his interviewing an eight year old about singing. Bring me Nikki Minaj or Rihanna now that would be a show. Though there is nothing wrong with an eight year old; dreams are valid baby girl and these days even sponsors.

I yearn for the days Churchill himself hosted the show and actually participated in every segment. It’s tiring to see new faces with new tonal intonations every single show. You stop bothering with their names; I just know the red head (black Michael Jackson), the brother to Eric Omondi, the female one and the thin one. Two days after, I format and forget there is even a show called Churchill.

If you don’t share my opinion then you must be from Churchill Live. You are a joke and not in a funny way.

RIDICULOUS WHY MEN NEVER ASK FOR DIRECTIONS by Daisy Waithererero Wambua

Every time I hear the word men the theme song of ‘Two and a Half Men’ just chirps out of my lips. It’s sad that most of what we are left with are halves instead of the twos.

Why can’t men ask for direction? Why can’t they pick up a manual? Why can’t they gobble up a self-help book? What is so darn hard about educating this specie?

If you have been with a male driver especially one who is romantically involved, you must have already considered using a PSV by now. Multiple times. They blame the roads, the signage, the seatbelt, the dog that died, their dead grandfather; everything apart from themselves. My impatience levels are usually flaring up time and time again so welcome I haven’t caused any road carnages. And mostly because I don’t have a car to get in to.

Seemingly these descendants of Adam prefer learning by doing instead of being told what to do. Who took us back to the Australopithecus period? Adam himself was told what to do, so much so he went an extra mile and listened to his wife. It didn’t end up so well for the rest of the world but that’s not the point. By a sure of eyelids, how many of you try to get directions from your ‘wives’? Ladies be the Eves to your Adams, there is no way you are going to Rongai via Karen when you can use Mbagathi Road. It is geographically incorrect.

Men want to appear strong and capable. The only capable I care about is capable of reaching home before The Trend starts on NTV. Larry Madowo and the three musketeers won’t wait for you to decide whether it’s left or right. And they won’t help if you follow number 23 up to Buru instead of going straight to Donholm. Be CAPABLE of following that Embassava.

There is something about winning that is addictive. They can’t wait for that victorious screeching U-turn and park in front of the front gate of Sarova Shaba Resort. It’s all about winning. Being right and feeling accomplished for making a two minute walk become a five hour drive. The journey doesn’t matter, it’s the destination was a quote invented by a man and now you know why. And if they believe in it so much then advice your romantic partner to try a camel.

Men are the weird Human Beings we were told its taboo to talk about. I leave it there.

WHAT YOUR HANDWRITING SAYS ABOUT YOUR PERSONALITY by Daisy Waithererero Wambua

The shape of your letters, the length and even the position is enough to determine the kind of personality you have. Graphologists can easily give you a full description of who you are just by mere observation of your scripts. Word of advice; stop signing up for everything.

Tall handwriting reflects ambition, observant, lack of consideration, objectivity and modesty. They are the type of people who you do not want to share a meal with but you would get into business with. My guess, go for someone like the Vice President; a lot of businesses, detoriating number of friendships but a bank account with commas up to Timbuktu.

People who tend to be analytical, reserved, thrift, obedient, zero self-confidence and misers usually have small handwriting. They barely have a lot of friends and if they do, it’s a small circle.

Those with broad and wide handwriting tend to be boastful, tolerant, imaginative, and spontaneous. They are also painfully full of pride, ego and lack concentration. This bunch is the best suited for the entertainment industry but employ one at your own risk. Just ask DNG, he is a rapper, a Disk Jockey, An MC and a promoter. One day he is here, the next day he is preaching Gospel.

Narrow handwriting comes with all its trades. Distrustful, socially passive, introvert, timid, seclusive and has self-control. They are good for the organization as long as they are not working in finance. This is a round up for all politicians.

Bold or heavy pressure are the ultimate personality trophy holders. They are creative, enthusiastic, possess endurance and emotional strength, strong libido. They also can’t easily forget the past, has grudges, they are sensuous and prefer bright and dark colors.

Light pressure handwriting comes with its own slots open. They are forgiving, tender, avoids friction, spiritual, physically weak, likes pastel colors and passively indifferent. This might have been Mother Teresa or anyone in Red cross.

Initials surpassing letters indicates emphasis on personal achievements and goals rather than dependency on others. Have you seen Vera Sidika’s signature? She can pay your rent with the first initial.

Poorly formed signature indicates certain level of stress or a major life crisis. All those from School of Engineering and Psychology students, what’s good?

Slashing through the signature shows that one is cancelling themselves out therefore need to hide and maintain secrecy.

Encircled signature shows fear and constant need to be under someone’s care all the time. The ones leading sponsor lives, we don’t discriminate.

Signatures ending with a dot show mistrust of others. Why do you need a full stop at the end of your signature and it’s not a sentence really buffers me.

Despite the individual characteristics, one needs to consider all qualities as a whole to give a widened view.