NTSA 'STEALS' 400 MILLION KENYA SHILLINGS

National Transport Safety Authority Act(NTSA) is in the limelight again and it only gets worse. Jesus take the wheel. Let me refresh your memory. You remember the AlcoBlow regime? The restricted travelling time? If Mututho's face didnt crop up then lets picture big lips on a dark continent. Yes he makes all our hearts cringe however he doesnt work for NTSA.

The NTSA is responsible for transport licensing,motor vehicle registration, drivers test, motor vehicle inspection and road safety. They are the ones who strive to keep you alive but before then they have to live up to their name. The 'transport' in the name carries alot of money.....ahem......weight.

NTSA needed a security boost as the prior one was considered inadequate. They LEASED 40 Peugeot 308 station wagons(estate) and 5 ambulances for four years only. This expenditure amounted to 631 million. Somebody tell Waiguru or text Uhuru to notify her of these protégés who are coming for the country's jagular. One Peugeot costs about 3.5 Kenya million shillings therefore 40 of them should add up to 140 million Kenya shillings; one fully equiped ambulance costs 8 million Kenya shillings. One question and one question only: why you lying? Why the hell you lying?

180 to 200 million should be the total expenditure, where is the floating 400 million Kenya shillings? And who is behind it?

PROJECT X RATED by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

Project X ?people puuuuuhhhleaaase! Let me tell you about the Ys and Zzzzzzz. I dont know why everyone is creating such a fuss regarding it when its norm especially amongst young people. Worse things have happened,have been happening, are happening and will happen. Its an apocalypse and drugs are the demons to be exorcised.

We are living in an era where having morals is sin and considered boring. I mean who on the surface has zero traces of drugs in their system? Staying at home on Friday night, waiting for marriage, being honest, having clothes on and generally doing all things that will close the flood gates of hell are unheard off.

We are in a generation where being good has been exahusted. Rigid parenting over the years being the root cause. Stories of parents flipping over the smallest of non issues are in scrolls and scrolls. Getting pinched for wearing a sweater when it is sunny, slapped for giving someone 'bad eyes' (sneering) , being swept (kuchapwa na kifagio) for coming in late and lets not forget getting 'batad' or 'umojwad' (bad brand of slippers).

Such childhood trauma whereby children are intimidated and threatened have a long term effect. Thus ,the youth relish on having less clothes on, spending most nights out and doing everything they were discouraged against.

Youth confide more in friends than parents and this may result in x-rated decisions. Therefore, all parents should strive to be the best of friends with their children. This may not stop the bad behaviour but it sure will steer them towards the good.

BODY LOTION SENT ME TO JAIL by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

A story of a young man, beautiful lass and good lotion. 

Ladies generally have a way of getting what they want,when they want and how they want it even if someone ends up in jail. Just when you thought chivalry died with Jack and Jill going down the hill then Kamau came up with good lotion.

When Njeri asked her boyfriend for a 700 shilling lotion, Kamau knew that he had to be the knight in shinning Vaseline for her. And he did.

Kamau went to a local supermarket headstrong to take care of his partner's need. Afterall, lotion can be the bridge to higher heights in the relationship.Unfortunately his pockets were not upto Njeri's standards of living.

Being in a country where we are accustomed to taking without consent, Kamau had only one security guard to worry about. But it was not the only thing he would be worrying about.

It takes 40 days to catch a thief they said but what about all the rookies who have been arrested?

Just two more steps and he was out of the lion's den and into the world. His heart was pounding, sweat dripping wetting his armpits and back.  Two minutes have never seemed so long in his entire life. He could feel the eyes watching him,the camera lenses zooming in and that security guy trodding behind him. He was busted and anything he said or did would not need that lotion.

Its been one month behind bars, 13 more months to go....

Keeping Up With Njeri;
Njeri is now somewhere with Omondi who bought her St Ives not Vaseline. Kamau is single and in a jail cell, not worried about any body lotion.

MOI UNIVERSITY STUDENTS BATTLE FOR MORE ALLOWANCE

 
There are few things that can cause chaos in the varsity; students losing their cool, administrators gulling over students. Most may seem irrelevant and somewhat petty but do not be mistaken. Getting in between a comrade and their money will open flood gates.

Moi University is notorious for accommodation crisis, bedbug infestation and generally election fraud but who are we to cut the list short? Add meagre allowances issued during the school trip. It is not so mucNoh about the money as it is the progress in augmentation of the allowance. For the past two decades the varsity has been giving each student five hundred Kenya shillings per day during infamous school trips. This is meant to cover accommodation and food which not only is strenuous to get a hold of but also quite dear.

School of Human Resource and School of Information Science have conducted peaceful demonstrations for two days in a row in futility. School of IS which is to travel today to Nairobi has soon departed. The trip lasts for about seven days whereby the school’s bus provides transportation. One or two lecturers are also required on board to supervise the students during the excursion. School of Human Resource is yet to release the dates for departure to Mombasa.

Comrades demand for an increment in the trip allowance from five hundred Kenya shillings to two thousand five hundred shillings. A figure which is unheard of in the varsity but hopefully manageable. The administration has dismissed the polite request time and time again and hence the strikes. Students have adapted the go slow movement and have boycotted classes for close to ten days now. With so little communication from the superiors, this small demonstration may soon break the banks. Until then \team2500 \tripforwho  \moneyforall

WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND WANTS ON VALENTINE'S by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

There are three days in the year whose aftermath could leave you either single or dead. Birthday, Valentine’s Day and Anniversary day (bear with ‘day’, it’s for dramatic purposes). To avoid stretching the extremes of the greater species, here is a list of gifts one can get their lady friend;

°Flowers
Valentine’s without flowers is Christmas without a Christmas tree. Obvious fact. Please do not give her five roses, not seven, not ten but twenty or thirty. She may not be starting a greenhouse you may argue but she will start cherishing you more. Flowers= Happy Woman, Happy Woman= Flowers.

°Make Up
This is for those who have dated for a month, barely remember each other’s surname, still lie that they are single, those who want to buy gifts just because and also friends. This is the ultimate gift for every girl out there. The only catch is to ensure the product is quality; MAC lipstick and not Signature lipstick. Suzie’s beauty not Charmax. Oriflame products not ponds.

°Spa treatment
It’s easy, it’s relaxing, it’s affordable and it’s every woman’s safe haven. Spa treatment is like ice Cream and nobody hates ice-cream.

°Lingerie
Married couples can get a hold of this one. Mainly because they have the maturity to select the proper one, the holistic knowledge of their partner’s insecurities and they can afford it. This is a risqué as you need to know the perfect fit. Too big might come across as you calling her corpulent and too small may be misinterpreted as her being fat. Beware.

°Phone/Electronic device
This is mostly employed by sugar daddies but can be a really nice gesture from a boyfriend. If your girlfriend is using a Nokia 3310, she shouldn’t be allowed to use any mobile network. However you can change this by buying her that new IPhone she has been eyeing and probably unaware of using. Electronic devices stretch over from body massagers, pedicure machine, microwave, and camera to even a treadmill. WARNING; the latter might lead to afterlife.

°Jewelry
This is a classic. The people’s ultimate option. However Kevin, Lloyd, Brian, Mike and Drew have also gotten their girlfriends jewelry. Mary, Cate and Ashley detest having the same type of gift. To make jewelry more special, you either make it more expensive or engrave her name on it. Kapish!

°Home-made gift
A good example is a collection of pictures and videos put together. This can be an album or a movie of some sort. Cards can also be a lottery win. HMGs are very intimate therefore kindly you do not apply if you have dated for two months.

°Getaway Trip
Everyone loves making new memories. Instead of taking her kwa Chela, take her by surprise for a getaway weekend. I promise, this can never go wrong. In the light of promises, ensure you are loaded. Money talks but to go on a trip, money converses even shouts at times.

°Shoes
Know thy woman. To get that Cinderella-perfectly fitting shoe, you need to mark the checklist. Her shoe size, her favorite shoe color (not just general favorite color), the type of shoes she likes (canvas, stilettos, knee-high, thigh high, crocs) and where she gets them. Women are very specific and programmed. Wrong shoe and she will curse you for life. Nothing pains a woman more than having a shoe in the closet that they cannot wear.

°Ring
Ensure that you met two years prior, ensure you have broken up twenty times, ensure that you have also gotten used to her snoring. The second best day to give her the ring after her birthday. Due note that I am not responsible for any misunderstandings resulting if given sooner.

A good wrapping paper and you have sealed the deal. Any more gift ideas? Add on the comment section and help a brethren out. Happy Valentine’s to you all.

AND THE SINGLES SHALL NOT BE IGNORED by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

“I don’t really care for Valentine’s day”

Vero said in a rather lit voice.

“Eric treats me like a queen 364 days straight, so one day doesn’t really alter anything”, she goes on.

Tina and I try to embark on another ship before this one turns into a titanic. Vero is a little bit slow when it comes to picking up cues, she rants and raves for hours about non issues; like a government proceeding. However, we still listen to her tales of this credited hero of romance. He was too good. Almost like Jesus good but no one can be that good at least not without relations with the divinities. Her eyes dazzled when she talked of him, she hid it from time to time pretending she had something in her eye but we knew. Her gestures were a quick sell out too.

She went on and on of every nitty gritty and left none to imagination. At some point the three of us felt like we had spent past Valentines’ with both her and Eric. Albeit, we couldn’t completely relate as me and Tina were single like a dollar bill. We finished Vero’s sentences, joined in giggles, took empty glances in the air and just bore it all. Girls literally can go on forever. I am not quite sure how long we endured this but I knew two minutes tops and cupid would’ve showed up.

‘This year he is taking me to Sarova Shaba’

Sarova Shaba sounds like an expensive place, like Kempinsky or Rolf’s Place. But unlike Kempinsky and Rolf’s Place, it’s in the outskirts of Nairoberry. The kind of place you would come across wild animals and palm trees. Large pools, wazungus, exotic food, sultry weather, bikini bottoms and off-road vehicles. How fun does that sound. The serenity is to die for as nature encompasses every frame in its surrounding.

‘So what are you guys planning for Valentine’s?’
 

Tina giggles. She wants to stay indoors and watch that movie; SPECTRE she has been putting off. Then later in the day go to a place called ‘falls’ here in the varsity. Afterwards gobble up sleeping pills and wake up on Monday. She didn’t even flinch when she was outlaying her grandeur. She always had a laidback feel in all her undertakings. Her life seemed so well put together and such a breeze.

DO YOU KNOW YOURSELF? by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

‘Who are you?’

‘Tell us a little bit about yourself’

‘What else interests you?’

Three questions that can make Jack and Jill never climb that hill again. Try answering the prior without taking a moment to pause. I said no pausing. Or rather just the first question using one word. It’s hard. It’s almost like you have never met yourself before. The stranger behind the mirror that issues instructions to you seven days a week.

Explaining why the earth is the third planet and not the fifth seems a tad easier. Or finishing Grand Theft Auto Vice City without cheats. Or taking a simple French leaf in every situation where such prompts are likely to erupt. The latter is practical but some may argue its borderline impossible. It’s closely like doting your last toe on the edge of a chair or banging it with a door.

So who are you? No you are not a student, not even a doctor and certainly not Robin Hood. We spend so much time away from ourselves either by flooding ourselves with work, distractions, and people that we even forget the temporary nature of these very things. Some are identified by job titles, others groups and some fellow human beings; mimi ni Doki, manzi wa Joni, mtoi wa Talai blah blah

There is no greater feeling of ultimate accomplishment than that of knowing oneself. Its pure bliss and glitters as the toppings. The next time you are asked similar questions, you won’t even break a sweat. Let us focus a little less on whether North West will wear pink tomorrow and start worrying if we even like pink. Know Thy Self.