BABIES AND THEIR FATHERS bY Daisy Waitherero Wambua

My older brother proudly fathers a very vibrant and beautiful girl,:Shana. He is certainly nowhere near the typical fathers that exist. When Shana was born he was definitely not happy, he was exhilarated, down right ecstatic, out of the world enthusiastic and it showed on his face. I can hardly forget his words when i called him baby daddy. "I am a father, not a baby daddy".The most important day of his life was certainly when she held her in his arms for the first time. I don't know if it has anything to do with the baby hailing from the female species or he was just happy that the baby was finally there.
Shana was the very first baby in our family to have a nutritionist. That surely went down the family history. The rest of us had mothers for nutritional purposes, sources of food, targets for annoyance, carriers when the bed gets boring and last but not least, radios when we get sleepy. My mother has been my nutritionist for years now and the only time I almost fired her was when she was shoving porridge down my throat.
Thank God for all the good men in our society and the fathers who are not only proud but they also make us proud. Unfortunately baby Shana fell ill a few days ago and she was admitted to the hospital. The doctor diagnosed her with viral infection and she is now on medication. Apparently all children don't like people who wear white coats with gloves on their hands. And without a doubt, she also has the same gut feeling towards what the doctor bears(medicine) or perhaps she hates it more.
According to her anyone that walks into her room and shares no resemblance with her mother is a threat. Her weapon to eliminate the unwanted visitor is scream and shout then let it all out. Later on she gives them a nasty look if they persist to stay. After confirming that the threat isn't exactly after pricking and forcing substances down her throat, she gives you a pass. This is signified by her stretching her arms out for you to carry her. You my dear friend have been accepted as a comrade and have been friend zoned.
Who knew babies can have that level of intelligence and attitude? Everyone if not all think, when a baby cries feed them, when they sleep don't wake them up, when they are quiet thank God, when they are laughing praise God and go into fasting and when their auntie wants to babysit them for the weekend pray that they stay with them for the whole month.
Mothers can't be thanked enough but have you ever thought of gratifying a baby? I couldn't possibly survive as one today. Crying when am hungry, not being able to bath myself, eat rather disturbing food and not being able to control the TV would lead me to succumb to SIDS. I wish my niece and all the babies who are not feeling well quick recovery and even quicker growth.

PRESENCE OF FACIAL HAIR DOESN’T MAKE YOU A MAN Firm Feminist by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

Men love a one night stand girl, get together girl and what the hell girl. But guess what so do women, at least some women. The male species are allergic to commitment, responsibilities, settling down and the ultimate word ‘wife’. And no antihistamine can reverse this hypersensitiveness. A man’s worth nowadays is measured by the number of women he has brought to bed or ‘hit’ as they like to refer to it.
The one night stand girl. She is simply the random girl in the club or a house party that his alcohol content convinced him that she is Nikki Minaj. Shock awaits him as he wakes up in the morning as she is more masculine than he is. He can even call her bro.
Key problem; alcohol percentage in the body had reached 72% and one more drop its 73% therefore thinking capacity and visual capability is 0% or almost void. Solution; Jesus changed water into wine but where in the Bible does it say that He drank the whole wine? Men don’t take another shot if you start thinking that you can perform miracles.
Get together girl. She is the girl who you get together with when you evidently get together. No calls, no sext, no promises, no halos and no names. You happen to be in the same event as her, or perhaps a house warming or a book study (if they still exist). Wherever you bump into each other, she is the one to tend to your needs. She is the consistent one night stand. Everything is anonymous and mysterious like the witnesses at ICC.
Key problem; you are emotionally detached and so is she. Be careful one day she will dump a baby on your doorstep, and you still won’t have her number, her address or her name. Solution; don’t get her knocked up because you will have a baby without a baby mama.
What the hell girl. She is there as a friend but she gives more than friendship. People call them Friends with Benefits but I think that’s too much credit. She gives benefits alright but don’t be tempted to think you are the only one. She just wants a boyfriend and she has no problem playing with her toy until she finds one. Key Problem; trust issues served with fear of STDs that come from having multiple women, I can’t blame this man. Everyone should be afraid of AIDs and herpes (in that order). Though having one woman doesn’t secure your health.
Solution; never put friendship and bedroom in the same sentence. It spells out disaster. One of you will take it serious and break rule one (don’t fall in love) and that’s when you create a crazy woman. My advice is don’t you dare start it because she will finish you. Literally.
A man must first find himself, before he finds his woman or he will damage whatever woman he comes in contact with along the way. The second word in this paragraph holds a lot of weight. Men, it’s time to refuse the name dog and own a better title. At this pace you are creating a lot of female dogs that are distasteful to my species.

CAMPUS GIRLS STAY AN ISLAND AWAY FROM POLITICIANS firm feminist by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

I don’t know if there is a rehab for young ladies who are obsessed by these vitambi-bearing, money-laundering and downright moral-free men because at this pace we will not be having any female graduates. Dear partners of come-we-stay aka boyfriends, stop fussing about the boy who always insist on reminding your girlfriend of the classes they are going to have or the one who calls her one hour before class just to confirm that she will come or the one who does all her assignments and CATS. The person who Boniface Mwangi calls M-pig should alarm you more than Sidika’s remodeling.

He is richer than you, has more connections than you, drives a better car than you, oh wait you don’t own a car; he is everything you are not and has everything that you don’t, including a bald head and a nine-month pregnancy on what is supposed to be his six pack. And therefore he has a lot of bargaining power. If you have a girlfriend who is thirsty for the world and has a lot of needs that are overwhelming to both your meager pocket money put together, well maybe it’s time to replace her. I am not calling her ratchet or a gold digger but you didn’t win yourself a trophy, you won yourself a cup of coffee so please wake up.

I would never blame a woman for trying to get ahead or wanting something more in life than paying bills and saving, in this life you need to strive and persist. But I will blame her if she becomes desperate and sells herself short of what she was created for just to earn her monthly rent or eat chicken tikka for lunch instead of eating ‘Kwa Sammy’ for those in Moi or ‘Clabu’ for those in UON. The point of food is to get you full; it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t come with a one thousand bill on the side and an aroma that explodes your nostrils. Everyone deserves a chance to sing started from the bottom and now we here, mediocre is pretending to have what you actually don’t. If you don’t agree then give me six inches of space.

Ladies it’s time to get smart, you have had over fourteen years of education but you are acting like you never got schooled. Work for your own food, rent, car and those pairs of Coco Channel shoes that you have been drooling over. You don’t need to get caught up with these politicians and die or get infected just because you wanted rent money. You will die even before you cash the rent that you have been ‘hustling’ for. You are worth more than somebody else’s joy ride. Be educated and give them a further notice that goes on forever. Work hard and take pride of what you will get.

NJOKI CHEGE MIGHT JUST BE THE VOICE BEHIND EVERY WOMAN'S THOUGHTS by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

Jamie Fox, Kanye West and our very own Sauti Sol have shunned the women who put money first then love later, I don’t know if they want all women to die struggling or what they are trying to achieve. Don’t misquote me, I am certainly not advocating for gold diggers but what happens when you shove money at a woman who needs material things literally; she is wearing like those Pulse cover girls. She will take your money and run then come back for more when she finishes it.

With the uproar Njoki Chege has caused, all thanks to her absurd and downright inappropriate articles, I best believe that either she was high or it was just a strategy to get her work and name out. It must be the latter otherwise I am doomed that she hails from the same species as I do. I tend to believe that she is very witty but she has no idea on how to put her witty remarks in the correct words. I got that what she wants is simply a man who will work as hard as she does, probably even harder than her and maybe he shouldn’t read any of her articles too. I highly doubt any man will have such an indifferent woman to be second in command in his house.

There are very many Njokis in this generation, if not; Vera Sidika wouldn’t be with the oil tycoon, Emmy Kosgei wouldn’t be with her Nigerian pastor and most of us would be single and struggling, we would all be stuck here looking for Johnny with Yemi Alade. We all want that ‘couch’ to fall on when things go wrong. It’s only that people have different definitions of him. I want an emotionally stable man, she wants a man who can be featured on who owns Kenya, another wants a man to her baby daddy, and it’s all a matter of difference in opinion. And we all know an opinion is like a nose, everyone has theirs.

A friend cracked me up but she sure is almost right if not correct at all. The men who don’t support Njoki Chege must be either dead broke or bored and as for the women who are hurling insults, they must be dating those men. I don’t know about those people’s relationship status or their reasons but this writer got exactly what she wanted. She wanted a reaction and that’s exactly what she got and I doubt she is even apologetic about it. She got famous and every relevant person has been dropping her name in each conversationThere is always a time in life whereby other people’s opinions couldn’t matter less.

So Njoki Chege, you are one bold woman for exposing your naivety to the whole world and with time I hope you will be enlightened on the reality of life and that men were not born to be your bank.

YOU ARE SUCH A GUY By Daisy Waitherero

That awkward moment when a woman tells you that and you go blank because obvious parts of your physique and your personality show that you belong to the male species. Well, she wasn’t just pointing out the obvious and she was most certainly not awed by your physique. It was a plain cold insult. It is usually said out of disgust.

There are a couple of reasons why she said that. One, it’s because your behavior and that of a dog are almost similar. Meaning you have no manners or rather you are not a gentleman. Two, you have probably done something that has really disappointed her and ‘you are such a guy’ is the best insult she has at that moment. If it’s the latter, quickly escape before she thinks of something worse to tell you or even better leave you for good.

5 words that are so simple yet carry a lot of meaning; the worst part is the one being told doesn’t even know what you mean. Oh hail to the male kingdom!! Men let us down in so many things including getting insulted. It’s a good thing I don’t insult when am angry but what I will say, I will make sure you carry it on to the next life. I think I will make that my New Year resolution; no getting angry. My list is getting longer by the day, I bet ill also make a resolution on 31^st Dec 2014 at least that will be easy to see through.

The problem with these few words is that they can lead to a break up after a long time. I know you are thinking ‘why don’t we date a woman then’ but it’s a woman’s pleasure to transform a man into a gentleman. To show him a better view, better insight and better ways, problem is many of you are just lazy and you don’t like change. You want to play euro truck simulator the whole day and GTA San Andreas till you pass out. That isn’t healthy though its supper fun especially with motor racer 2.

What am trying to say is don’t be in a relationship so that you can have somebody to cuddle you or cook your meals, clean your table, spread your bed or to hang out with when your guys are at their moms. That won’t be a relationship; it will be spending time with your house help which isn’t bad if you had told her she won’t be getting paid.

Listen to your girlfriend and she will grant the same favor to you if she is a wise woman. A small leak sank the great ship so a few words will sink your relation-SHIP.

NAIROBIANS CONFORMING TO SURVIVE WEATHER CONDITIONS by Daisy Waitherero

One thing that can make Nairobi look like New York is a quick transformation in weather. New York is indeed a city that never sleeps and so is Nairobi but let the rain pour down and you will think Nairobians have been induced with Valium. It’s the best weather to sleep and the worst time to work. With the temperatures dropping as low as 17 degrees Celsius in the morning and goes only a degree higher at night, everyone remains paralyzed throughout the day.

It is only here where someone’s face can tell the temperatures being experienced. Believe it or not, it’s actually true. In the cold season, one almost never smiles at any instance; it is apparently to avoid the teeth from becoming ice cubes and the mouth a freezer. Then all the facial expressions are similar, whether its smiling or frowning one has the same facial reaction. It is called Mwai kibaki fever. This reduces the surface area being exposed to cold; yes indeed, Physics is everywhere.

Apart from limited facial connotations and almost void reactions, Nairobians have discovered other forms of greeting. If somebody greets you by either handshaking, kiss on the cheek or bear hug, just know that guy is gayer than Ellen DeGeneres. No one in their right mind dares to expose their hands to cold, or bump cheeks with old mamas as a sign of respect. Tradition at this point is not even thrown out of the window; it is given a further notice. A simple head nod is more than enough for anyone. 

So apparently fashion knows no weather; to know a good fashion icon or stylist just wait for the cold season. Trend setters have most definitely impeccable taste when it comes to clothing. In other words their fashion sense is not seasonal; whether baba is away or he is here, it remains the same. Most city dwellers suffer from the same syndrome but some are not exactly correctly dressed when it is cold. I am not referring to freeze and shine. This unfriendly time, it is easy to determine who exactly runs the trend world. Unfortunately everyone embraces almost similar taste in clothes; from trench coats, to gloves, to boots and scarfs.

Visitations also have become limited; with everyone using the same root every day and heading straight home afterwards is great. I am glad I haven’t seen my neighbor Brian for two weeks now, that guy practically had a room in our house. He ate, slept and sometimes called my mum, mum. Who steals somebody’s mother? Apart from him, I am sure everyone else is restricting their excess travelling. This month has practically zero sleepovers, almost no get-togethers and most importantly no boring visitors. 

 

This weather brings the good and the bad out of people but most importantly it brings family together, excess tea consumption and zero tolerance to water. Ironically the name Nairobi centers on the idea of water.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST by Daisy Waitherero

Vybz Cartel a riddim artist, Tamar Braxton a singer, Vera Sidika a socialite, all were brainwashed that if it is not white then it is not right. Whoever thought that black stands for everything that is wrong? For all I care black seems to be the only thing that is definite in making other things seem beautiful. Plus after having a black-skinned president, a black Grammy award winner and not to forget I am a black writer, who would want to be white? Not that I am trying to put myself in the same league as the president of the United States nor the Grammy awards’ nominees list.

Vybz Cartel being male known for his ‘harsh-gangster look’ isn’t expected to be anywhere near skin products. It would rather be uncomfortable finding him at the cosmetics section instead of the riffles, magnum and shot-gun section.  Maybe it’s me but why do you need to brighten your skin color when tattoos are all over it.  Though bleaching is relevant to his song ‘skin pretty like a coloring book’, it still remains unusual. It’s like snoop dog or is it snoop lion starting to use lip care; a very awkward perception. A hardcore vibe and a feminine act simply cannot go together. 

Usually when the male pedigree is concerned with matters involving image and beauty, it is simply termed as gay or faggish. But if Vybz is doing it then it can no longer be gay, right? Clearly most men took it literally when women said ‘be in touch with your feminine side’. Don’t get the wrong idea, I fully support men caring about their image but all I am saying is let’s not fight for the last product at the cosmetics section. Don’t be at the spa going for steaming, at my nail shop doing pedicure, at the salon blow drying your hair. It might be the 21st century but a man is still a man. Go be in touch with your guns. 

The only problem of being dark-skinned is that you will require a lot of lighting during photo shoots or you will be the guy who carries ‘I am here’ tag in a photo. Apart from that you will never suffer the pain of carrying a sunscreen, using foundation, visible pimples and quick aging. The concept of black doesn’t crack is scientifically proven and accepted. The darker you are, the younger you look and therefore the longer you live. No wonder Oprah Winfrey looks like she is 40 years and she is 60 years. Obama should also be looking younger; it’s only that he is the champ of all 8 continents. Clearly power and beauty are not compatible. I don’t intend to sound like an advertisement but ‘KEEP BLACK AND STAY ON TRACK’. 

After David Kimaiyo decided that Kenyans should remove tint from their cars, some people aka Vera Sidika decided to take it as it is. The Kenyan socialite famed by a bright future behind her, was not only known for her great assets, her expensive horse hair but now even her light looks have chipped into her distinction. I wouldn’t say the change is bad, it’s simply different. Her new Nikki Minaj-Barbie doll looks seemed to have pulled off quite nicely despite previous attempts by my aunt Christine. Evidently bleaching isn’t for everyone, you may end up with yellow patches while trying to be white.

The notion black is beauty has now become a thing of the past so unless you are black, tall and skinny then you have no hopes of winning a beauty pageant.  Or be short and black then you’ll have a chance to be featured in a slavery movie and win a Grammy. I thank Lupita Nyongo because despite our dark tone being undermined, considered as ugly and associated with suffering, she was named the most beautiful by people magazine.

Question is who the beauty is and who is the beast? And is it possible to find beauty in what is considered beast?