YOU ARE SUCH A GUY By Daisy Waitherero

That awkward moment when a woman tells you that and you go blank because obvious parts of your physique and your personality show that you belong to the male species. Well, she wasn’t just pointing out the obvious and she was most certainly not awed by your physique. It was a plain cold insult. It is usually said out of disgust.

There are a couple of reasons why she said that. One, it’s because your behavior and that of a dog are almost similar. Meaning you have no manners or rather you are not a gentleman. Two, you have probably done something that has really disappointed her and ‘you are such a guy’ is the best insult she has at that moment. If it’s the latter, quickly escape before she thinks of something worse to tell you or even better leave you for good.

5 words that are so simple yet carry a lot of meaning; the worst part is the one being told doesn’t even know what you mean. Oh hail to the male kingdom!! Men let us down in so many things including getting insulted. It’s a good thing I don’t insult when am angry but what I will say, I will make sure you carry it on to the next life. I think I will make that my New Year resolution; no getting angry. My list is getting longer by the day, I bet ill also make a resolution on 31^st Dec 2014 at least that will be easy to see through.

The problem with these few words is that they can lead to a break up after a long time. I know you are thinking ‘why don’t we date a woman then’ but it’s a woman’s pleasure to transform a man into a gentleman. To show him a better view, better insight and better ways, problem is many of you are just lazy and you don’t like change. You want to play euro truck simulator the whole day and GTA San Andreas till you pass out. That isn’t healthy though its supper fun especially with motor racer 2.

What am trying to say is don’t be in a relationship so that you can have somebody to cuddle you or cook your meals, clean your table, spread your bed or to hang out with when your guys are at their moms. That won’t be a relationship; it will be spending time with your house help which isn’t bad if you had told her she won’t be getting paid.

Listen to your girlfriend and she will grant the same favor to you if she is a wise woman. A small leak sank the great ship so a few words will sink your relation-SHIP.

NAIROBIANS CONFORMING TO SURVIVE WEATHER CONDITIONS by Daisy Waitherero

One thing that can make Nairobi look like New York is a quick transformation in weather. New York is indeed a city that never sleeps and so is Nairobi but let the rain pour down and you will think Nairobians have been induced with Valium. It’s the best weather to sleep and the worst time to work. With the temperatures dropping as low as 17 degrees Celsius in the morning and goes only a degree higher at night, everyone remains paralyzed throughout the day.

It is only here where someone’s face can tell the temperatures being experienced. Believe it or not, it’s actually true. In the cold season, one almost never smiles at any instance; it is apparently to avoid the teeth from becoming ice cubes and the mouth a freezer. Then all the facial expressions are similar, whether its smiling or frowning one has the same facial reaction. It is called Mwai kibaki fever. This reduces the surface area being exposed to cold; yes indeed, Physics is everywhere.

Apart from limited facial connotations and almost void reactions, Nairobians have discovered other forms of greeting. If somebody greets you by either handshaking, kiss on the cheek or bear hug, just know that guy is gayer than Ellen DeGeneres. No one in their right mind dares to expose their hands to cold, or bump cheeks with old mamas as a sign of respect. Tradition at this point is not even thrown out of the window; it is given a further notice. A simple head nod is more than enough for anyone. 

So apparently fashion knows no weather; to know a good fashion icon or stylist just wait for the cold season. Trend setters have most definitely impeccable taste when it comes to clothing. In other words their fashion sense is not seasonal; whether baba is away or he is here, it remains the same. Most city dwellers suffer from the same syndrome but some are not exactly correctly dressed when it is cold. I am not referring to freeze and shine. This unfriendly time, it is easy to determine who exactly runs the trend world. Unfortunately everyone embraces almost similar taste in clothes; from trench coats, to gloves, to boots and scarfs.

Visitations also have become limited; with everyone using the same root every day and heading straight home afterwards is great. I am glad I haven’t seen my neighbor Brian for two weeks now, that guy practically had a room in our house. He ate, slept and sometimes called my mum, mum. Who steals somebody’s mother? Apart from him, I am sure everyone else is restricting their excess travelling. This month has practically zero sleepovers, almost no get-togethers and most importantly no boring visitors. 

 

This weather brings the good and the bad out of people but most importantly it brings family together, excess tea consumption and zero tolerance to water. Ironically the name Nairobi centers on the idea of water.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST by Daisy Waitherero

Vybz Cartel a riddim artist, Tamar Braxton a singer, Vera Sidika a socialite, all were brainwashed that if it is not white then it is not right. Whoever thought that black stands for everything that is wrong? For all I care black seems to be the only thing that is definite in making other things seem beautiful. Plus after having a black-skinned president, a black Grammy award winner and not to forget I am a black writer, who would want to be white? Not that I am trying to put myself in the same league as the president of the United States nor the Grammy awards’ nominees list.

Vybz Cartel being male known for his ‘harsh-gangster look’ isn’t expected to be anywhere near skin products. It would rather be uncomfortable finding him at the cosmetics section instead of the riffles, magnum and shot-gun section.  Maybe it’s me but why do you need to brighten your skin color when tattoos are all over it.  Though bleaching is relevant to his song ‘skin pretty like a coloring book’, it still remains unusual. It’s like snoop dog or is it snoop lion starting to use lip care; a very awkward perception. A hardcore vibe and a feminine act simply cannot go together. 

Usually when the male pedigree is concerned with matters involving image and beauty, it is simply termed as gay or faggish. But if Vybz is doing it then it can no longer be gay, right? Clearly most men took it literally when women said ‘be in touch with your feminine side’. Don’t get the wrong idea, I fully support men caring about their image but all I am saying is let’s not fight for the last product at the cosmetics section. Don’t be at the spa going for steaming, at my nail shop doing pedicure, at the salon blow drying your hair. It might be the 21st century but a man is still a man. Go be in touch with your guns. 

The only problem of being dark-skinned is that you will require a lot of lighting during photo shoots or you will be the guy who carries ‘I am here’ tag in a photo. Apart from that you will never suffer the pain of carrying a sunscreen, using foundation, visible pimples and quick aging. The concept of black doesn’t crack is scientifically proven and accepted. The darker you are, the younger you look and therefore the longer you live. No wonder Oprah Winfrey looks like she is 40 years and she is 60 years. Obama should also be looking younger; it’s only that he is the champ of all 8 continents. Clearly power and beauty are not compatible. I don’t intend to sound like an advertisement but ‘KEEP BLACK AND STAY ON TRACK’. 

After David Kimaiyo decided that Kenyans should remove tint from their cars, some people aka Vera Sidika decided to take it as it is. The Kenyan socialite famed by a bright future behind her, was not only known for her great assets, her expensive horse hair but now even her light looks have chipped into her distinction. I wouldn’t say the change is bad, it’s simply different. Her new Nikki Minaj-Barbie doll looks seemed to have pulled off quite nicely despite previous attempts by my aunt Christine. Evidently bleaching isn’t for everyone, you may end up with yellow patches while trying to be white.

The notion black is beauty has now become a thing of the past so unless you are black, tall and skinny then you have no hopes of winning a beauty pageant.  Or be short and black then you’ll have a chance to be featured in a slavery movie and win a Grammy. I thank Lupita Nyongo because despite our dark tone being undermined, considered as ugly and associated with suffering, she was named the most beautiful by people magazine.

Question is who the beauty is and who is the beast? And is it possible to find beauty in what is considered beast? 

THIS GIRL AINT LOYAL

     
Lil’ Wayne has been known for his catchy rhymes, dirty rap, censored lyrics and truthful vibes since time in memorial. I promise that I am not lying when I say he is the most graphic and confused man this earth has ever had to handle. He plus the men in Moi who think rapping like him will get them a life partner.

Lil’ Wayne literally went from singing lick me like a lollipop in the courting stage to turning me on in the honeymoon stage then he says uiuiui like a cop car during marriage after that this girl isn’t loyal anymore so he divorces her. Maybe it is me but this dwarf has 99 problems and height isn’t one. Please try to remain single with your strange clouds and don’t sing ‘We made it’ until you actually get a wife. 

Chris Brown you were the perfect American sweetheart with your first hit song ‘kiss kiss’ then you decided to hit a woman, I don’t know if she was trying to kiss your fist but damn right no woman will be loyal to a fist. The rest of the other artists, I don’t acknowledge your rap, you are irrelevant to me as I am to you.

Kenyan men now decided that they will side with the above artists. Ironically those who opted to be loyal to this song happen to be single and surprisingly they have never been in a relationship. They have been loyal to singlehood from the time they hit teenage hood. They couldn’t even spell girlfriend even if they wanted to. But they go ahead singing and raping of how girls aren’t loyal like they have been in the play boy mansion for years.

Dear men, please come to the realization that as much as you rap long or sing along to this song, if you are single, you will remain single. And if you are truthfully married to no one but yourself, don’t try singing this at home or anywhere else for that matter. Not unless you want to practice celibacy for a couple of more years.

There are certain unwritten rules in the society that bring balance to all. A wealthy man will unfortunately attract all ladies especially if the women are the needy spendthrift type. Sadly, most of these ladies are the beautiful ones. The hustler will attract any lady who admires hard work and appreciates the simplicity in life. The guy who sings these girls aren’t loyal attracts the other guys who sing along. Thus promoting homosexuality in campus.

The real question is whether women are loyal or not. The truth is give a woman what she wants and she will stick by you like hostel A and blackouts. Women want love, attention and sometimes they do want money. If she could eat love then she would have stayed with her parents who have unconditional love. Don’t confuse want for money and desperate for money, there is a very huge bank between the two. Believe it or not there are women who have the handouts of real love but mistreat her and loyalty will be the least of your concerns.

In conclusion, if you want a woman, go get her. Don’t be bitter when somebody better finds her because she will not settle for less if there is more. That is not called disloyalty, it’s called an improvement.