FORGIVE AND/OR/PERHAPS FORGET by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

I finally cracked this nut.I hope. It was not part of my new year's resolution bucket list,not that i have one but am glad i almost resolved it. If you have a trail of people who have crossed your line, pushed buttons that you didnt think you had and you would rather play russian roulette with,with a fully loaded gun(say no to violence and say yes to accidents kind of scenario) then this is a read that you should follow word by word of course noting the bracketed phrases too.

Main dispute lying where God created us as social beings meaning we got nothing but each other unless you are Donald J Trump then you got money,employees and an island. You cant do without me and i cant live without you applies to the rest of us: its a soap opera! So when we are at loggerheads we have a problem.The comfort of forgiving is that you free the offender's conscience and the luxury of forgetting is that you let your conscience free. You can forgive all you want but if you wont forget then forgiving is nothing but a chicken on the run.

With people coming from different ethnic,social,economical and religious backgrounds,only one thing can happen.....war. With such a complex nature existing and a murky image of who is who and what they appreciate or regard as offensive then the line of "natukae na undugu" in the national anthem doesnt apply. We will cross paths,we will bite scratch and harm. According to culture,nothing is wrong or right,its the difference of culture that stirs up emotions.

In a normal Kenyan society, we practice the act of annoying and later apologising in every hap. You step on someone's shoe,you apologise,you steal somebody's pants,you apologise, you rob a bank, you apologise while in jail, you steal somebody's girlfriend,uuummm...... i dont know if you should apologise for this one or you shouldnt. But you get the idea: the feeling of regret and remorsefulness is quite contagious and imposing.
What happens after an apology is the oxygen to the air. Literally. You stepped on my shoes; i smile and say its okay,steal my pants;i didnt even notice though there is only one pair of that make in the region,rob a bank; i got my money insured so ill let it pass,unfortunately you cant pass prison, stole my girl;well i am not quite certain but in most scenarios you would get punched then forgiven after buying beer.

If somebody has ever got you mad to a level that you wished you would pick the world up and drop it on their head, if you have fantasised mutiple times of how that annoying conversation should have gone or would have gone, if asked whether you have a cordial relationship with that person and you still flinch before saying yes, if you still have a change of mood each time they mistakenly pop up in your thoughts.......YOU HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN

You will continously relive that incident you had with them over and over again until your tape scratches: code word for you need a psychologist. It will be like somebody cutting your throat a million times and you heal right after. It makes you stuck in a time capsule, something that happened in 2003 follows you to 2015,mistakes that somebody made become your budden and it never stops until you forget.

With that said, i dont mean you get on a drinking spree with an aim of having a blurry memory. I have one rule: Dont Vodka when angry or distressed. Try actual release of pain by dealing with it to a point where you forget. When you reach that point please do share the secret because i have had a hard time when i try going through the "dont think about it again" part. The assignment we were given an hour ago escapes my mind easily but i do remember on 11:50:24 on Friday 7th March 2014, weather: cold as teachers to TSC, i lent you my rent money. Forgive you man for you have sinned.

Therefore, the lad that borrowed me rent money and still hasnt paid,i forget you for now. (Smiles)

THE BIBLE: VERSION 2014 by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

God commanded that man should go and fill the earth and trust men to have taken it literally and embark on a mission to fill every single square meter. We got an overpopulated continent, depleted food resources, men on deadbeat for abandoning the places they filled, bombing and terroristic malpractices aimed at reducing us and women sexually oriented as men on the increase. Shout out to my bros on the Asian continent for leading us in this race; you are all blessed.

After minimal or next to none research into the women’s insecurity symptoms in relation to the unprecedented men’s incapability to practice monogamy, I concluded that sperm donors and lesbianism are the ‘messiah’ that women always needed. I certainly don’t stand to be corrected simply because am right on a level that most men might consider naïve (I loathe this word) and to some extent pain in the neck aka feministic; but that is none of my business *sips Drostdy Hoff* for I ran out of potassium permanganate.

I have no intentions to justify lesbianism or homosexuality but we are in the 21st century; things that are not accepted in a normal society are embraced by this generation. For instance a man wearing a t-shirt written “I love Beiber”(gays), kupanda mbegu is not entirely farming, (according to Kanyari’s agricultural practices), women who are men but still are women(Andrew Audrey), children dressing like adults and adults wearing children’s clothes(socialites), taking nude photos is a professional career (Kim Kardashian) and so on so forth.

I am starting to think that the end of the world is really coming. We have more sin than all generations combined. I don’t mean to judge but we are doomed if Jesus comes as a thief anytime soon. Though I do find it a little strange that Jesus’ coming is being compared to that of a thief. I mean He is the Alpha and the Omega, The son of the King Himself, The bearer of the crown, The man who gave us all a second chance to life and life in abundance; its politically incorrect to give Him such a shoddy comparison with a thief. But who am I to point out errors of an author’s work, I haven’t even written one book.

So during this festive season try not to add too many sins; I mean it would be literally hell for you if you do. I am definitely not spared, whoever is with no sin, dare cast a stone. Gor Mahia dont test me this holiday season.

Forgive us Father for we have sinned, been sinning and unfortunately will sin.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!!!

WOMEN MIGHT BE THE CAUSE OF THE GOOD MEN TURNED DOGS by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

No woman likes to be passed as being insecure or come off in the slightest way doubtful of who she is and what she has to bring at the table. She would rather put up a façade that she can even bring the table let alone what she is offering. Women put a certain intensity of faith in what they think, do and who they are with. The latter of course is the Achilles’ heel if it happens to be that they are with a man. Sorry lesbians but the boyfriend in the relationship is not a man or rather wasn’t born a man but she can be a man (homosexuality blurs me) But who am I to come in between a woman and her sexuality? Or is it a man and her sexuality?

If a woman can have it all from a Phantom dipped in coal black paint with the interiors covered in white crisp leather, a house big enough to accommodate Vera Sidika, Kim Kardashian and their counterparts (I do recognize their derriere as another person) rooms covered in ceramic marbles with a touch of finesse that gives off an impression of wealth and class, shoes running in her closet like the jam from Nairobi to Rongai. To top it all off she is a loving wife; the type to drop everything if her husband comes down with a flu (might be Ebola but she wouldn’t give a damn)

She wouldn’t ask for anything because she is well accomplished and her wealth tails her from the moments back in history. She would work hard to keep her accounts in check but she wouldn’t give a second thought to shower her partner with a Porsche on his birthday, a trip to Morocco on a Sunday evening, club going up on a Tuesday. To many she is idolized but behind closed doors, she is nothing but a woman who suspects her husband of infidelity, money laundering, wealth parasite and with too many calls in the night like it’s a calling(literally). I wouldn’t date a doctor even if he tranquillizes me. (Confession)

You at the prime of your life, basically doing what people say “living life” but she is always on a prowl that the man of her dreams should have stayed in her dreams. At least that way she would have more dreams than nightmares of her husband being shared among the scum and ratchets of the society.

But she is wrong; “a woman is always right until she is wrong”. He works at odd hours just to be the bread winner of his family; a little taste of being the head of the family. He craved to pay the bills for the month but his wife would cash out all the bills for the year. He wanted a type of recognition in his home whereby his wife would let him fix a loose door knob or the annoying recoil of the pantry door that occasionally slaps him from behind when he goes in; but his wife was always two islands ahead. He was emasculated; the most heartrending torture but she thought of it as love. He never fancied anyone from the female species, his wife was literally the only bean in the githeri. I bet Julie Gichuru would pass right in front of him and he wouldn’t flinch. He loved her more than he loved himself. But she still doubted…………

THE C WORD by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

The feeling of being shipped to a warzone yet you have never registered for combat or being compelled to join a club that has never crossed your mind to join is the kind of feeling one would get after being diagnosed with cancer. It’s a battle that chooses you unlike all other diseases that we more or less participate in choosing. When you dance in the rain thinking you are in Bollywood, you catch a cold; when you kiss every frog in the pond looking for a prince, you get herpes; when you go to KFC more than the gym, you end up on the heavier side of life (read socialite)

Spending time with senior citizens and cancer patients doesn’t vary as much as I expected. Death is spoken of so casually that you will think it’s like talking about fashion or food or Johnston Muthama’s butt. The acknowledgement that we are mortal beings is something that most of us brush off easily though we constantly say YOLO. The most horrid thing in life is seeing someone fight for the life that we so carelessly live; all we do is strip women and some politicians and let us not forget about pouring water on the speaker because apparently he is too hot for the seat and of course being vocal about our emotions in the name of activism.

Leukemia, Basal Cell Carcinoma, Melanoma, Breast Cancer, Ovarian Epithelial Cancer, Lung Cancer, Neuroblastoma and the list goes on up to over 100 types. The cases of cancer which are generally related to tobacco is 22% and 5-10% is genetics. This therefore means that we have the choice to live a healthy and happier life if we so wish. When your body gives up on you and your mind is still hopeful that maybe it will finally pick up the positivity is what keeps these patients going. The fight for a future that may never happen and avoiding a past that can’t get enough of you. The prayer and hope that the next day will be a little bit better is what keeps despair at arm’s length.

It’s politically correct to live life like you are about to die but who lives as if they will die tomorrow? We all know that tomorrow will come that is why you have secrets from here up to Tennessee, a dream to work at a strip club that vanishes as soon as you open your eyes, voices inside of your head of things you should have said or could have said, feelings that tear you apart but you would rather keep them bottled up and a tears at night from the vicious past that you keep reliving.

I certainly do not wish to die but I constantly ask myself, if I knew I am going into the afterlife tomorrow, would this be the last thing I would want to do? Staring at my laptop at 3 in the morning. But just incase, if I die young place Oreos and tropical heat tomato crisps in my casket, wear yellow and not black, bring yellow lilies not roses (I have a thing for yellow,its called Kamba blood) cry and never cry again and please no tights at my funeral (fashion faux pas). Before then, I do pray to see somebody finding the cure to cancer. I would love to ghave the honour of such a discovery but I actually fall sick when I hear medical research institute and hospital.

INTERNATIONAL CYNICAL COURT by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

"We are not Africans because we were born in Africa,we are Africans because Africa was born in us"

Quotes used to be my Bible when I was a bit younger, I kept scrolls of them in my school bag, under my bed, on my desk, in my desk almost on the teacher's desk too. He was a lazy bum; too lazy to a point that we (read they) encouraged him to give us assignments. I never liked assignments so second to Jesus, he was my most favorite man. Though I kind of blame him for not educating me enough to go to Harvard University. But oh well, I guess I wasn't that white either.

People in diaspora keep the narrative "Africa is a rich place" in a recycle bin yet we who are actually here never seem to get the depth of the wealth. The only things we are 'privileged' to see is Alshabab on Aljazeera, Uhuru on Bensouda rather Bensouda on Uhuru, empty seats in parliament that cost more than Kim Kardashian's naked photo shoot and let's not forget the strange and random deaths of politicians and families. Would somebody please bring an end to occults,we might be a little overpopulated but no need to jump of the thika highway.

Six suspects announced for crimes against humanity after the 2007 general elections. From the highest profile; son of founding president who is also our current president, two cabinet ministers,head of civil service and a former chief of police. This list was brought to light 2 years after the occurence : in which plans for relocation and reimbursement were underway. 7 years later, minimal developments have been made. Did all the money for reparation end up in fuel consumption and upkeep for the trips to-fro Hague?

After all of this the ICC clears four suspects of the heinous acts due to lack of evidence. I do not mean to be skeptical but what type of evidence does one retrieve 7 years down the line?Time wasted, promises broken,inappropriate celebrations and broken families. We still have people living in the White House that has actual steel frames and hip roof while others in White Shanties that has grassed floors and an open plan structure.

It's definitely not in my line of duty to get my hands gripped in any politically infected occurrence but I dare not let injustice pass. I would join in the frenzy and drink wine "hail the digital king is back" but I will be politically incorrect for even having the thought. Forgive me but I do not see it fit to celebrate the freedom of a man yet the greater percentage of us is still in bondage. Four have been freed from indictment thus far and the remaining two will soon follow root course. Question is; who is behind the crimes if all are liberated from the charges?

We were unable to help ourselves seven years ago with the collapse of the special tribunal therefore it is no surprise that seven years later we are unable to be helped.
I dare not speak on the religious strife we are facing. The pride that we once had from Nelson Mandela, Mansa Musa, Haile Selassie, Nnamdi Azikiwe is fading together with the memory of them. No governance and no country is perfect but there exist nothing worse than a country which is its own threat.

Bottom line is that we are rich but we are no where near the Forbe's list.

ACT LIKE A GIRLFRIEND BUT THINK LIKE A WIFE by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

Kenyans have decided to escalate a culture that tarnishes the holy matrimony. Nowadays we embrace come-we-stay, series of baby mama’s and chains of ‘situationships’. I can guarantee that the only two people who care about love and marriage are Alonso and Yvan from ‘Tujuane’. Forgive me for the spellings; foreign names do not fall anywhere in my pro list. There will come a time whereby marriages will be completely eradicated and those who are married will be quarantined.

In the past, the only reason why a proper lady would be in a come-we- stay kind of agreement is when the man is not able to pay the dowry. And in this case, the man would be given a duration to pay up or he would be compelled to give her up. In our generation, ladies seem to enjoy being wives; cleaning his house, washing his clothes, cooking for him; running errands for him. At this pace we would be paying the dowry. Today the only difference between girlfriends and house helps is that girlfriends are allowed to sleep on his bed overnight.

Women need to start requiring men to marry them. You are showing him how good of a wife you will be but two years down the line you discover he wanted your sister to say ‘I DO’. You find another man who is a cup of hot chocolate and instantly you feel obligated to do your wifely duties. A couple of years later you realize he only deals with women whose office is not a kitchen and tools are not mops and Axion.

You have wasted six years of your life being married yet you don’t have a rock on your finger, a certificate in your room, babies with a father and your career is still stuck in between two steps forward and six steps back. And here you are condemning the ladies in Koinange for sleeping with men for money. Don’t misquote me I do not support body hawking. But the one in Koinange gets her money from your ‘husband to be’ without being his house help and even 'advances' her career while at it.

Men stop giving her the label ‘wife’ when you both know you are living in sin. You probably got a ‘wife’, babe 1, babe 2, bae, le bae and a whole lorry of women with titles that don’t add up. Ladies don’t get it twisted; if he is anything like Kimaiyo please do yourself a favor and leave. If he says ‘There were five females but four of them were male’ dear girlfriend please run, ‘I wasn’t able to come with my personal car because I didn’t have bus fare ’ sweetheart you must run, ‘I was at the club but I didn’t enter because there weren’t any drinks on the shelves’ honey please kill him then commit suicide.

If you are just his girlfriend and you wake up at three in the morning to open up for him, remove his shoes and dust them, hold his tie while he pukes,wash his face and warm his supper then you are his girlfriend doubling up as his house help, his watchman and to some extent you are a gym trainer; too much lifting of weights. Men might be few in the world but if it was meant to be, you will find him; no need to be a laundry machine and a dish washer

THE CRY OF A CHILD HURTS ITS MOTHER MOST by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

The video of a house help going ham on a two year old baby has gone viral. Anyone who comes across it only fears the worst for their baby and for those with no babies; nephews, nieces and grandchildren come to mind when they watch it. You will resign from work after watching it. 

On a normal working day, the father and his wife leave the house early in the morning entrusting their first born baby with a guardian. As normal working parents they come home late in the night and have minimal interaction with their baby.  

Over the weekend, they give the house help a day off so that she can also rest and catch up with her friends and family. The neighbor tips off the mother that her baby keeps on crying during the day but she brushes off as all babies cry endlessly for no reason.  A couple of weeks later she is asked by another neighbor whether her baby is sick because she is unusually crying throughout the day. 

The mother finally decides to take action and puts a nanny camera in the living room. What she learns thereafter makes her quit her seven digit job and becomes a full time mother. The thought of having a help at her house has since then been unheard of. A promise she made to always be independent and provide for her own children was broken that very day and she now depends on her husband. This was a full contradiction as she is a strong advocate of feminism.

She still cries every night when she goes to bed, knowing that she almost lost her only child; and not for a reason that she herself would have a peace of mind if her baby died. She did what most mothers would do; sacrifice. She gave up her ambitions, her hard work, her inspiration and her fortitude for something more precious than life itself and that is her own flesh and blood.

In the golden days women used to raise their own kids and the man used to provide for them but times have changed. Women are multitasking demanding jobs, husbands, families at home and their own children. Gone are the days when men used to solely provide. We as women have stepped up but is the cost really worth it?

A husband having no one to come home to but the help, another woman running your house like its hers, your kids adopting foreign behaviours, excessive fatigue from work and various demands from home. At the end of the day, what builds you is what will lead you to your grave. Live by the sword and die by it. Does your work weigh more than the mannerism your child adopts?  Is your promotion at work more important than watching your baby's first steps?



WARNING AS THE VIDEO BELOW IS GRAPHICAL
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NO ONE WAS BORN DRESSED by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

I certainly do not support skimpy dressing and going nude but stripping a woman to nothing is a vile act and no man should go unpunished. When I feel like showing a little bit of skin, it does not mean that you idiotic, downright shallow man should feel at liberty to leave me bare; I simply decided to get a little vitamin D and air above my knees.

Whether I am aping the western culture or I seem to have forgotten my roots is simply none of your concern. God gave us all freewill. The way I use my freedom and the way you use yours may be as parallel as Uhuru and Raila but that again is none of your concern.

Men seem to have an opinion about everything women do yet they have never been a woman for one single minute in their lives; they wouldn?t even survive as one. A woman?s dressing is her business; no one knows what she is after or her reasons for her sense of style. In her head she might be feeding five children at home and that?s the dress code that puts a meal on her table. I bet the man who gave her those five kids is somewhere doing nothing which is in common with all you men stripping off her clothes.

Everyone has an opinion about everything. The people sitting by the road side drinking chang'aa and ogling at anything on two feet are even more opinionated than the man sitting at his office trying to provide for his family. If anything, the man who initiated this act is rumored to have been ignored by this "poorly-dressed" lass and hence the outrageous act. When you have nothing to offer, no sensible lady would give you the time or day. I bet if this man offered her clothes instead of public humiliation, he might have gotten himself a wife even.

On the other hand, ladies be mindful of where you are. Don't misquote me, dress however you feel like but make sure you have a car and security behind you before you step in some areas. Above the knee clothing are not fully embraced by the whole society but they can be dressed where there is civilization and order. 

Unfortunately it's not yet your dress your choice but your dress, the society's choice. If you see a man sagging his pants, kindly drop them down.



 CREATE GENDER BALANCE. FREE STRIPPING

BABIES AND THEIR FATHERS bY Daisy Waitherero Wambua

My older brother proudly fathers a very vibrant and beautiful girl,:Shana. He is certainly nowhere near the typical fathers that exist. When Shana was born he was definitely not happy, he was exhilarated, down right ecstatic, out of the world enthusiastic and it showed on his face. I can hardly forget his words when i called him baby daddy. "I am a father, not a baby daddy".The most important day of his life was certainly when she held her in his arms for the first time. I don't know if it has anything to do with the baby hailing from the female species or he was just happy that the baby was finally there.
Shana was the very first baby in our family to have a nutritionist. That surely went down the family history. The rest of us had mothers for nutritional purposes, sources of food, targets for annoyance, carriers when the bed gets boring and last but not least, radios when we get sleepy. My mother has been my nutritionist for years now and the only time I almost fired her was when she was shoving porridge down my throat.
Thank God for all the good men in our society and the fathers who are not only proud but they also make us proud. Unfortunately baby Shana fell ill a few days ago and she was admitted to the hospital. The doctor diagnosed her with viral infection and she is now on medication. Apparently all children don't like people who wear white coats with gloves on their hands. And without a doubt, she also has the same gut feeling towards what the doctor bears(medicine) or perhaps she hates it more.
According to her anyone that walks into her room and shares no resemblance with her mother is a threat. Her weapon to eliminate the unwanted visitor is scream and shout then let it all out. Later on she gives them a nasty look if they persist to stay. After confirming that the threat isn't exactly after pricking and forcing substances down her throat, she gives you a pass. This is signified by her stretching her arms out for you to carry her. You my dear friend have been accepted as a comrade and have been friend zoned.
Who knew babies can have that level of intelligence and attitude? Everyone if not all think, when a baby cries feed them, when they sleep don't wake them up, when they are quiet thank God, when they are laughing praise God and go into fasting and when their auntie wants to babysit them for the weekend pray that they stay with them for the whole month.
Mothers can't be thanked enough but have you ever thought of gratifying a baby? I couldn't possibly survive as one today. Crying when am hungry, not being able to bath myself, eat rather disturbing food and not being able to control the TV would lead me to succumb to SIDS. I wish my niece and all the babies who are not feeling well quick recovery and even quicker growth.

PRESENCE OF FACIAL HAIR DOESN’T MAKE YOU A MAN Firm Feminist by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

Men love a one night stand girl, get together girl and what the hell girl. But guess what so do women, at least some women. The male species are allergic to commitment, responsibilities, settling down and the ultimate word ‘wife’. And no antihistamine can reverse this hypersensitiveness. A man’s worth nowadays is measured by the number of women he has brought to bed or ‘hit’ as they like to refer to it.
The one night stand girl. She is simply the random girl in the club or a house party that his alcohol content convinced him that she is Nikki Minaj. Shock awaits him as he wakes up in the morning as she is more masculine than he is. He can even call her bro.
Key problem; alcohol percentage in the body had reached 72% and one more drop its 73% therefore thinking capacity and visual capability is 0% or almost void. Solution; Jesus changed water into wine but where in the Bible does it say that He drank the whole wine? Men don’t take another shot if you start thinking that you can perform miracles.
Get together girl. She is the girl who you get together with when you evidently get together. No calls, no sext, no promises, no halos and no names. You happen to be in the same event as her, or perhaps a house warming or a book study (if they still exist). Wherever you bump into each other, she is the one to tend to your needs. She is the consistent one night stand. Everything is anonymous and mysterious like the witnesses at ICC.
Key problem; you are emotionally detached and so is she. Be careful one day she will dump a baby on your doorstep, and you still won’t have her number, her address or her name. Solution; don’t get her knocked up because you will have a baby without a baby mama.
What the hell girl. She is there as a friend but she gives more than friendship. People call them Friends with Benefits but I think that’s too much credit. She gives benefits alright but don’t be tempted to think you are the only one. She just wants a boyfriend and she has no problem playing with her toy until she finds one. Key Problem; trust issues served with fear of STDs that come from having multiple women, I can’t blame this man. Everyone should be afraid of AIDs and herpes (in that order). Though having one woman doesn’t secure your health.
Solution; never put friendship and bedroom in the same sentence. It spells out disaster. One of you will take it serious and break rule one (don’t fall in love) and that’s when you create a crazy woman. My advice is don’t you dare start it because she will finish you. Literally.
A man must first find himself, before he finds his woman or he will damage whatever woman he comes in contact with along the way. The second word in this paragraph holds a lot of weight. Men, it’s time to refuse the name dog and own a better title. At this pace you are creating a lot of female dogs that are distasteful to my species.

CAMPUS GIRLS STAY AN ISLAND AWAY FROM POLITICIANS firm feminist by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

I don’t know if there is a rehab for young ladies who are obsessed by these vitambi-bearing, money-laundering and downright moral-free men because at this pace we will not be having any female graduates. Dear partners of come-we-stay aka boyfriends, stop fussing about the boy who always insist on reminding your girlfriend of the classes they are going to have or the one who calls her one hour before class just to confirm that she will come or the one who does all her assignments and CATS. The person who Boniface Mwangi calls M-pig should alarm you more than Sidika’s remodeling.

He is richer than you, has more connections than you, drives a better car than you, oh wait you don’t own a car; he is everything you are not and has everything that you don’t, including a bald head and a nine-month pregnancy on what is supposed to be his six pack. And therefore he has a lot of bargaining power. If you have a girlfriend who is thirsty for the world and has a lot of needs that are overwhelming to both your meager pocket money put together, well maybe it’s time to replace her. I am not calling her ratchet or a gold digger but you didn’t win yourself a trophy, you won yourself a cup of coffee so please wake up.

I would never blame a woman for trying to get ahead or wanting something more in life than paying bills and saving, in this life you need to strive and persist. But I will blame her if she becomes desperate and sells herself short of what she was created for just to earn her monthly rent or eat chicken tikka for lunch instead of eating ‘Kwa Sammy’ for those in Moi or ‘Clabu’ for those in UON. The point of food is to get you full; it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t come with a one thousand bill on the side and an aroma that explodes your nostrils. Everyone deserves a chance to sing started from the bottom and now we here, mediocre is pretending to have what you actually don’t. If you don’t agree then give me six inches of space.

Ladies it’s time to get smart, you have had over fourteen years of education but you are acting like you never got schooled. Work for your own food, rent, car and those pairs of Coco Channel shoes that you have been drooling over. You don’t need to get caught up with these politicians and die or get infected just because you wanted rent money. You will die even before you cash the rent that you have been ‘hustling’ for. You are worth more than somebody else’s joy ride. Be educated and give them a further notice that goes on forever. Work hard and take pride of what you will get.

NJOKI CHEGE MIGHT JUST BE THE VOICE BEHIND EVERY WOMAN'S THOUGHTS by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

Jamie Fox, Kanye West and our very own Sauti Sol have shunned the women who put money first then love later, I don’t know if they want all women to die struggling or what they are trying to achieve. Don’t misquote me, I am certainly not advocating for gold diggers but what happens when you shove money at a woman who needs material things literally; she is wearing like those Pulse cover girls. She will take your money and run then come back for more when she finishes it.

With the uproar Njoki Chege has caused, all thanks to her absurd and downright inappropriate articles, I best believe that either she was high or it was just a strategy to get her work and name out. It must be the latter otherwise I am doomed that she hails from the same species as I do. I tend to believe that she is very witty but she has no idea on how to put her witty remarks in the correct words. I got that what she wants is simply a man who will work as hard as she does, probably even harder than her and maybe he shouldn’t read any of her articles too. I highly doubt any man will have such an indifferent woman to be second in command in his house.

There are very many Njokis in this generation, if not; Vera Sidika wouldn’t be with the oil tycoon, Emmy Kosgei wouldn’t be with her Nigerian pastor and most of us would be single and struggling, we would all be stuck here looking for Johnny with Yemi Alade. We all want that ‘couch’ to fall on when things go wrong. It’s only that people have different definitions of him. I want an emotionally stable man, she wants a man who can be featured on who owns Kenya, another wants a man to her baby daddy, and it’s all a matter of difference in opinion. And we all know an opinion is like a nose, everyone has theirs.

A friend cracked me up but she sure is almost right if not correct at all. The men who don’t support Njoki Chege must be either dead broke or bored and as for the women who are hurling insults, they must be dating those men. I don’t know about those people’s relationship status or their reasons but this writer got exactly what she wanted. She wanted a reaction and that’s exactly what she got and I doubt she is even apologetic about it. She got famous and every relevant person has been dropping her name in each conversationThere is always a time in life whereby other people’s opinions couldn’t matter less.

So Njoki Chege, you are one bold woman for exposing your naivety to the whole world and with time I hope you will be enlightened on the reality of life and that men were not born to be your bank.

YOU ARE SUCH A GUY By Daisy Waitherero

That awkward moment when a woman tells you that and you go blank because obvious parts of your physique and your personality show that you belong to the male species. Well, she wasn’t just pointing out the obvious and she was most certainly not awed by your physique. It was a plain cold insult. It is usually said out of disgust.

There are a couple of reasons why she said that. One, it’s because your behavior and that of a dog are almost similar. Meaning you have no manners or rather you are not a gentleman. Two, you have probably done something that has really disappointed her and ‘you are such a guy’ is the best insult she has at that moment. If it’s the latter, quickly escape before she thinks of something worse to tell you or even better leave you for good.

5 words that are so simple yet carry a lot of meaning; the worst part is the one being told doesn’t even know what you mean. Oh hail to the male kingdom!! Men let us down in so many things including getting insulted. It’s a good thing I don’t insult when am angry but what I will say, I will make sure you carry it on to the next life. I think I will make that my New Year resolution; no getting angry. My list is getting longer by the day, I bet ill also make a resolution on 31^st Dec 2014 at least that will be easy to see through.

The problem with these few words is that they can lead to a break up after a long time. I know you are thinking ‘why don’t we date a woman then’ but it’s a woman’s pleasure to transform a man into a gentleman. To show him a better view, better insight and better ways, problem is many of you are just lazy and you don’t like change. You want to play euro truck simulator the whole day and GTA San Andreas till you pass out. That isn’t healthy though its supper fun especially with motor racer 2.

What am trying to say is don’t be in a relationship so that you can have somebody to cuddle you or cook your meals, clean your table, spread your bed or to hang out with when your guys are at their moms. That won’t be a relationship; it will be spending time with your house help which isn’t bad if you had told her she won’t be getting paid.

Listen to your girlfriend and she will grant the same favor to you if she is a wise woman. A small leak sank the great ship so a few words will sink your relation-SHIP.

NAIROBIANS CONFORMING TO SURVIVE WEATHER CONDITIONS by Daisy Waitherero

One thing that can make Nairobi look like New York is a quick transformation in weather. New York is indeed a city that never sleeps and so is Nairobi but let the rain pour down and you will think Nairobians have been induced with Valium. It’s the best weather to sleep and the worst time to work. With the temperatures dropping as low as 17 degrees Celsius in the morning and goes only a degree higher at night, everyone remains paralyzed throughout the day.

It is only here where someone’s face can tell the temperatures being experienced. Believe it or not, it’s actually true. In the cold season, one almost never smiles at any instance; it is apparently to avoid the teeth from becoming ice cubes and the mouth a freezer. Then all the facial expressions are similar, whether its smiling or frowning one has the same facial reaction. It is called Mwai kibaki fever. This reduces the surface area being exposed to cold; yes indeed, Physics is everywhere.

Apart from limited facial connotations and almost void reactions, Nairobians have discovered other forms of greeting. If somebody greets you by either handshaking, kiss on the cheek or bear hug, just know that guy is gayer than Ellen DeGeneres. No one in their right mind dares to expose their hands to cold, or bump cheeks with old mamas as a sign of respect. Tradition at this point is not even thrown out of the window; it is given a further notice. A simple head nod is more than enough for anyone. 

So apparently fashion knows no weather; to know a good fashion icon or stylist just wait for the cold season. Trend setters have most definitely impeccable taste when it comes to clothing. In other words their fashion sense is not seasonal; whether baba is away or he is here, it remains the same. Most city dwellers suffer from the same syndrome but some are not exactly correctly dressed when it is cold. I am not referring to freeze and shine. This unfriendly time, it is easy to determine who exactly runs the trend world. Unfortunately everyone embraces almost similar taste in clothes; from trench coats, to gloves, to boots and scarfs.

Visitations also have become limited; with everyone using the same root every day and heading straight home afterwards is great. I am glad I haven’t seen my neighbor Brian for two weeks now, that guy practically had a room in our house. He ate, slept and sometimes called my mum, mum. Who steals somebody’s mother? Apart from him, I am sure everyone else is restricting their excess travelling. This month has practically zero sleepovers, almost no get-togethers and most importantly no boring visitors. 

 

This weather brings the good and the bad out of people but most importantly it brings family together, excess tea consumption and zero tolerance to water. Ironically the name Nairobi centers on the idea of water.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST by Daisy Waitherero

Vybz Cartel a riddim artist, Tamar Braxton a singer, Vera Sidika a socialite, all were brainwashed that if it is not white then it is not right. Whoever thought that black stands for everything that is wrong? For all I care black seems to be the only thing that is definite in making other things seem beautiful. Plus after having a black-skinned president, a black Grammy award winner and not to forget I am a black writer, who would want to be white? Not that I am trying to put myself in the same league as the president of the United States nor the Grammy awards’ nominees list.

Vybz Cartel being male known for his ‘harsh-gangster look’ isn’t expected to be anywhere near skin products. It would rather be uncomfortable finding him at the cosmetics section instead of the riffles, magnum and shot-gun section.  Maybe it’s me but why do you need to brighten your skin color when tattoos are all over it.  Though bleaching is relevant to his song ‘skin pretty like a coloring book’, it still remains unusual. It’s like snoop dog or is it snoop lion starting to use lip care; a very awkward perception. A hardcore vibe and a feminine act simply cannot go together. 

Usually when the male pedigree is concerned with matters involving image and beauty, it is simply termed as gay or faggish. But if Vybz is doing it then it can no longer be gay, right? Clearly most men took it literally when women said ‘be in touch with your feminine side’. Don’t get the wrong idea, I fully support men caring about their image but all I am saying is let’s not fight for the last product at the cosmetics section. Don’t be at the spa going for steaming, at my nail shop doing pedicure, at the salon blow drying your hair. It might be the 21st century but a man is still a man. Go be in touch with your guns. 

The only problem of being dark-skinned is that you will require a lot of lighting during photo shoots or you will be the guy who carries ‘I am here’ tag in a photo. Apart from that you will never suffer the pain of carrying a sunscreen, using foundation, visible pimples and quick aging. The concept of black doesn’t crack is scientifically proven and accepted. The darker you are, the younger you look and therefore the longer you live. No wonder Oprah Winfrey looks like she is 40 years and she is 60 years. Obama should also be looking younger; it’s only that he is the champ of all 8 continents. Clearly power and beauty are not compatible. I don’t intend to sound like an advertisement but ‘KEEP BLACK AND STAY ON TRACK’. 

After David Kimaiyo decided that Kenyans should remove tint from their cars, some people aka Vera Sidika decided to take it as it is. The Kenyan socialite famed by a bright future behind her, was not only known for her great assets, her expensive horse hair but now even her light looks have chipped into her distinction. I wouldn’t say the change is bad, it’s simply different. Her new Nikki Minaj-Barbie doll looks seemed to have pulled off quite nicely despite previous attempts by my aunt Christine. Evidently bleaching isn’t for everyone, you may end up with yellow patches while trying to be white.

The notion black is beauty has now become a thing of the past so unless you are black, tall and skinny then you have no hopes of winning a beauty pageant.  Or be short and black then you’ll have a chance to be featured in a slavery movie and win a Grammy. I thank Lupita Nyongo because despite our dark tone being undermined, considered as ugly and associated with suffering, she was named the most beautiful by people magazine.

Question is who the beauty is and who is the beast? And is it possible to find beauty in what is considered beast? 

THIS GIRL AINT LOYAL

     
Lil’ Wayne has been known for his catchy rhymes, dirty rap, censored lyrics and truthful vibes since time in memorial. I promise that I am not lying when I say he is the most graphic and confused man this earth has ever had to handle. He plus the men in Moi who think rapping like him will get them a life partner.

Lil’ Wayne literally went from singing lick me like a lollipop in the courting stage to turning me on in the honeymoon stage then he says uiuiui like a cop car during marriage after that this girl isn’t loyal anymore so he divorces her. Maybe it is me but this dwarf has 99 problems and height isn’t one. Please try to remain single with your strange clouds and don’t sing ‘We made it’ until you actually get a wife. 

Chris Brown you were the perfect American sweetheart with your first hit song ‘kiss kiss’ then you decided to hit a woman, I don’t know if she was trying to kiss your fist but damn right no woman will be loyal to a fist. The rest of the other artists, I don’t acknowledge your rap, you are irrelevant to me as I am to you.

Kenyan men now decided that they will side with the above artists. Ironically those who opted to be loyal to this song happen to be single and surprisingly they have never been in a relationship. They have been loyal to singlehood from the time they hit teenage hood. They couldn’t even spell girlfriend even if they wanted to. But they go ahead singing and raping of how girls aren’t loyal like they have been in the play boy mansion for years.

Dear men, please come to the realization that as much as you rap long or sing along to this song, if you are single, you will remain single. And if you are truthfully married to no one but yourself, don’t try singing this at home or anywhere else for that matter. Not unless you want to practice celibacy for a couple of more years.

There are certain unwritten rules in the society that bring balance to all. A wealthy man will unfortunately attract all ladies especially if the women are the needy spendthrift type. Sadly, most of these ladies are the beautiful ones. The hustler will attract any lady who admires hard work and appreciates the simplicity in life. The guy who sings these girls aren’t loyal attracts the other guys who sing along. Thus promoting homosexuality in campus.

The real question is whether women are loyal or not. The truth is give a woman what she wants and she will stick by you like hostel A and blackouts. Women want love, attention and sometimes they do want money. If she could eat love then she would have stayed with her parents who have unconditional love. Don’t confuse want for money and desperate for money, there is a very huge bank between the two. Believe it or not there are women who have the handouts of real love but mistreat her and loyalty will be the least of your concerns.

In conclusion, if you want a woman, go get her. Don’t be bitter when somebody better finds her because she will not settle for less if there is more. That is not called disloyalty, it’s called an improvement.