8 THINGS THAT SHOULD NEVER BE DONE IN PUBLIC

There is annoying, there is boring and there is just plain disgusting. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

1. Picking your nose
Riding in a matatu will get you a certain level of exposure that could only be sent by the devil. A woman barely in her thirties carries a toddler while she makes her way through to an empty seat. Next to her, a fine ass gentleman (pardon my language), the ones with a beard game on a hunnid, a barber born with scissors in his hands, a suit so immaculate it starts looking like a resurrection. The Chris Brown official guy decides he has something up his sleeve, oops! I mean nose. (Diaz say no more). I no longer thirst over anyone in a matatu, a restaurant even a poster. Just to make you vomit, he smeared the boogie on the back of the chair in front of him. I also started wearing gloves just in case it’s dried up and I can’t spot it with the naked eye.

2. Starring at butts
Big storages have a way of attracting attention and keeping it. That’s why nobody stares at a Vitz when a Jeep passes by. It’s a habit am guilty of and I own it, but who the heck is judging (hehe). It can’t be a sin if a fellow female does it. If am sitting with my boyfriend at a restaurant, I will point out a good asset if it passes by. It’s called common courtesy. Same way he shows me a light skin guy who looks like my type. This habit is only disrespectful if you start hissing at the lady, if your girlfriend disapproves and if you are in a clique of idiotic, shallow and broke-classless men. Look at it only if you can pay for it.

3. Toothpick menace
Are you Kansime or Mbugua from Faiba advert? We don’t need animations walking around. If you are from club 20(watu wa UON) please just relax yourself, people eating at KFC are not walking with logs of trees. Drink water it will wash off.

4. Scalp on fire
Ladiiieeeeessss! You do not need to stay with a weave for nine months, it’s not a pregnancy. You end up smacking your head every time and dust comes up like an episode in thaw. You start looking like you are the main manufacturer of Hostess flour, with disgusting white particles on your shoulder. This also goes for men with dreadlocks that are fifty shades of yellow. Roses are red, panga soap is ten bob, water is free so put away the weed. So honey, panga panga panga panga riaaah.

5. Chewing Gum Escapades
I go to a thousand whenever I step on gum. It’s a series of trying to remove it from the bottom using grass, pavement, stick and whichever object is in my reach. Sitting on it…….let’s not even go there. You nincompoop who was brought up so savagely and in a mentally distraught condition, may you face the wrath I wish upon you.

6. Farting
Some of you smelling like you are 72% hydrogen sulfide, everything you touch turns into eggs. Please life is hard enough, why do you go on making it harder to breathe?

7. Whistling
I was once told people who whistle have Syphilis. STD haipendi ujinga.

8. Belching
So you had a heavy breakfast and you are big on constipation and you can’t retain gas unless it’s going to your lungs, I have no words for you. Hold it down like Dj Khaled.

JUST JIK IT! DON'T by Daisy Waitherero Wambua

Black don’t crack and Vera Sidika looks like crack. Then you wonder why Jackie mdark gets sponsors with her fifty shades of blue skin tone. Skin lightening is the new black (pun intended) and every girl is snorting it. Carolite (skin lightening cream) has made more money than Vaseline fifteen times over in a period of one heartbeat.

Ladies are now walking around looking like they are all from the same father. True reincarnation of the nine Agikuyu daughters but on a much wider spectrum. Somewhere along the lines we were taught that dark skin tone reflects everything wrong with life. Associated with slavery, suffering and Larry Madowo. But they forgot to tell you that we beat colonialists, we don’t have tan problems, we look better when we hit fifty, Eric Gathegi is finer than the other white guy, our ugali taste better and our culture is so rich even Tupac understood Africa isn’t a country, it’s a continent. So why would you want to disassociate with all the triumphs our forefathers fought for and go for that Blacc Chyna look? Africa made Blacc Chyna remember that.

That boy you want impress cannot even spell skin lightening correctly and doesn’t own a bank account to the least. He is not cute enough to make you feel insecure about the color of your skin and isn’t rich enough to take you to the beach for a tan, so drink milk honey. You cannot match to the beat of every drummer instead let them pull up a trumpet. If that happens you will come out looking like Lil Kim’s twin.

If your face is dedicated to the darkness, embrace it and give every yellow person the Oreo vibe when they meet you. Be Black. Be Bold. Be Beautiful.

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