Friday, 11 October 2013

GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS by Daisy Waitherero

Every guy’s dream is for their wife to dress up in 20 seconds or less. They all want
a Katy Perry by their side in a snap. Men, we cannot all be Katy Perry! Who will be
Diaz or Waitherero? You think we like stabbing our eyes with eyeliner, fitting in
jeans we haven’t worn in years and finding a blouse that goes with the shoes in 2
hours. And you say ‘mwanaume Ni effort’. Shame on you!
Personally I get ready in an hour, okay maybe an hour and a half. That includes
choosing clothes that much my mood; make up, applying oil on my body and
doing my hair, trust me I make it sound easy. Ladies understand what I mean.
That time frame excludes taking a shower and breakfast of course.
I don’t know how men do it, to me getting ready in 15 minutes is like telling me to
do my nails in an hour! It’s physically impossible unless you mean applying the
base coat only. Women like paying attention to details, that’s why what a man
can do; a woman can order another man to redo it. Poor men, they just don’t get
it.
A couple living together have to share everything from food to the bed and
sometimes clothes. Don’t get it twisted, I mean like the wife can wear the
husband’s shirt but the husband CANNOT wear the wife’s under garments. With
all this sharing going on, people get suicidal sometimes. Larry and Lily live
together and it has been a week now. Check this out.
(Both get up late; 7 in the morning and simultaneously get their towels)
Lily and Larry: (concurrently) Am going to shower first, you will go in after me!
Lily: No it doesn’t work like that and you know it. Be a teddy bear and get the
breakfast ready (gently slaps his cheek) Larry: No that doesn’t seem right, you are the woman so go prepare breakfast as I
shower. Plus you usually take long in the shower (whips her behind with a towel)
(Two wrongs in less than five minutes, somebody is about to get knocked out)
Lily: could you repeat that because I heard something stupid and you know stupid
and my ear are like poles: repel (raising her brows while fixating on the eyeliner
behind him)
Larry: (gulps loudly) I just said we men should go prepare breakfast as you
shower…. (Mummers the rest of the words)
Lily: I swear I heard something completely different. Anyway thanks babe! (Gets
into the bathroom)
Larry: (Mummers) for a woman who spends so much time in the shower, has
some pretty stuffy ears.
Lily: I heard that you fool!
Larry: (jets out as he sings) mbona mbona mbona….
(45 minutes down the line, Lily comes out of the shower picks the showering gel
and rushes back in; it looks like Larry will shower at his neighbour’s place AGAIN)
Larry: Lily give me my towel, I’m going to showers at Joe’s (hoping for sympathy)
Lily: You don’t have to, just do a passport at the kitchens sink (handing him the
towel)
Larry:       To think I said till death do us part (sighs as he dashes out)
Damn! Its eight, I should be at work by half past 9 (growls) (At Joe’s)
Larry: Joe! Joe! Open up! Come on! Am naked in the hall way (Gary, the gay guy
opens his door)
Gary: Come on over baby, I got the new shampoo by Mary Kay! You will smell of
fabulousity! I promise
Larry: Joe! Please save me! He is wearing the Justin Beriberi shirt with pink shorts!
Joe: (Thinking out loud) I keep on hearing voices, so weird that I dream of Larry
maybe am turning into Gary, I wonder if being gay is communicable (wakes up
from the shock)
Garry: OMG you just said Justin Beriberi! Its Beiber! Men just don’t get it. But I
can let you fix my shower (purrs)
Larry: Joe! Please open up the door! (Crying like a baby)
 Joe: (Opens up) don’t you have water connection at your place? Pahali VAT
imenifikisha…… (Keeps quiet as he sees Lily) Good morning Lily
(Lily comes out shouting Larry’s name)
Larry: Now is when you are getting out of the shower, why are you not dressed?
Lily: Morning Joe (notices Gary staring at Larry) boy you better keep your eyes and
your shampoo off my man or you’ll know I am more of a man than you’ll ever be!
Larry you better stop asking dumb questions if you know what’s good for you.
Larry: (in a loud voice) what is with the threats? I feel like I am in Syria and there is
no Obama to hold things together. Do you know how stressful that is? (Everyone in their floor gets out and stares at him, little Johnny comes and steps
on his toes)
Larry: (On his knees) Why Obama? Why?
Joe: Lily you don’t even need clothes, with that towel you look better than Celine
Dion in my heart will go on!
(Everybody turns and looks at him)
Joe: What? She is a great singer! Shoot me! (Thinking) being gay is communicable!
Damn you Gary!!!!!!!!
Larry: STOP HITTING ON MY WIFE (tries to strangle him)
Joe: Since we share a shower then let’s share a wife (pushing him to the ground)
(Everybody gulps in dismay)
Larry: I can explain, it isn’t what it seems to be (gulps too)
Lily: mmmm…I wouldn’t mind
(People start whispering that he is a bisexual)
Larry: Am not even showering, let us just go! I have to be in court by 9:30 and its
9:15
Lily: You sure about the showering? (Raising her eyebrows as she takes a few
steps back)
Larry: (as he dresses) yeah am sure, why? Lily: Nothing let’s just go then.
(They get into the car; Lily takes the back seat on the far right)
Larry: Ohhh! I get it!
Lily: No I don’t want to make you feel bad. It’s just that…
Larry: (interrupting) you want to look like you are the rich girl on your first day at
work and that you have chauffer. It’s totally cool. I get it.
Lily: (sarcastically) yeah that’s exactly what I had in mind
(Arrives at her work place, Larry leans over for a kiss as Lily opens the door to jet
out)
Lily: Honey, you are my chauffer! People don’t kiss their employees
Larry: (smiling) you are so right. I married an astute woman
Lily: (mummers) and I married a skunk!
Larry: What honey?
Lily: I love you so much
 Larry: I love you too (speeds off)
(He arrives at work at 10:30am)
Security: Morning si… (Smells the stench) whoa! You smell like my wife’s cooking Larry: Morning Con, she must be a very good cook then
Security: (nodding) Yeah that’s why I am always on leave coz of food poisoning
(Everyone in the lobby laughs, Larry gets in the elevator)
Larry: (thinking out loud) I wonder why he is called Con and he works as the
security at a law firm which deals with criminal cases.
Stranger 1: I wonder the same thing. Maybe it’s the same reason why you are a
lawyer and you can’t smell a dirty job right under your nose
Larry: What does that mean? You also think Con sells drugs? That wretch! I bet he
thinks I will represent him in court because he gets my morning coffee.
Stranger 1: (shakes his head, thinks to himself) what a dumb lawyer! Am never
allowing my son to become one
(Larry gets in his office and finds his boss, Mr. King seated on his chair)
Mr. King: In the next one minute I want you to pack and leave the building, no
questions asked, no eyebrows raised and most certainly no jaws dropped. You
stink! I mean literally! (Larry smells himself) Go shower or something
Larry: So that’s why she took the back seat, there I was thinking she wanted a
royal treatment! I can’t believe it has been me all this time; I should’ve showered
at Gary’s! He does have pretty nice shampoos (realises he is fired) wait boss, boss,
boss, sir please…………………
(To be continued)
 -waithererodaisy@gmail.com