Sunday, 26 June 2016

BAD WEATHER IS EVERYWHERE by Daisy Waitherero Wambua


Rain. Ancient symbol of man’s primitive fear. It’s the source of life and destruction. The backlash of being single and being homeless. It’s that which promotes cohabitation for the lonely queer ones and bragging rights to the flatulent in terms of partners. It’s an icy 24th June and I hate that I can’t feel the tip of my nose.

I like caffeine. A strong mug of caffeine. The ones written in ‘expensive’ language usually don’t tickle my fancy. Not mentioning names; ‘Oregano’. I’m lured by simple and brief cups; the ones with coffee beans as the only ingredient. Woe unto those in which Dioxides and Phosphates are part and parcel. They are packed like coffee but lack the maturity to attain its adverse mannerisms. In simple terms, they are Yuck!

Taking a French leave from The Home of Champions (Kemboi did us good) to Nairobi was a cup of coffee, oops! I mean tea. Heck! I would opt for Rongaiwood come lava, come tsunami. Eldoret is about negative fifteen degrees, meaning you need twenty five degrees more to actually say it’s cold. Ice tea has become norm although our Luyha brothers….eeerrrr…. It’s so cold that the idea of being part of the five thousand people eating fish and bread is alluring. Last time we had weather this bad was when Mugabe entered office for yet another term. He has served for so long I bet Alexander Bell hotline blinged him.

Naivasha, Limuru, Nakuru are all engulfed in fog resulting in confused traffic on goings. This cold is so bad, the calendar might get frozen in June. However, this weather brought some good; Men have been coerced to embrace being gentlemen. They come home early, warm their own bathing water, occasionally cook, no daily visits from the boys and definitely no leaving the wife at any time, always joined to the hip. There is an amazing upward trajectory in vocabulary; no more Mama Kipla, it’s now ‘honey’ and on desperate occasions it gets to cupcake and ‘have you lost weight’ sentiments. Words like sorry, thank you, I love you and I will do it right now become like confetti.

Slogans such as; If you look at a woman lustfully, you have committed adultery with her thus if you look at water and soap lustfully, you have showered for the week, have become a religion. Two baths a day have been reduced to shower when ‘maji ya matope’ has been splashed on you, it gets worse. After using the bathroom, before eating, after eating ugali, moping the floor by stepping on the rag, being religiously ignorant of all sources of water and can you believe it’s not yet July?

With the bad comes the worst, question is what would Maghufuli do?